Obligatory Halloween Sequel

This Halloween, three more Scary Movies that you won’t see on television. All three are worth tracking down and without further ado here they are:

Onibaba (1964) – An old woman and her daughter-in-law live in the middle of a swamp in Feudal Japan. They make a living by murdering lost samurai and selling their looted weapons and armor for food they desperately need. One day a friend of their son/husband comes home and tells them that he was killed in the war – but he’s available if they need to have a man around (wink, wink). What follows is an unfolding tale of psychological savagery, with a mix of jealousy, sexuality, hate, love, lust, fear and violence that would make Freud orgasm about fifty times over. I know that I just made this movie sound like a psychological drama rather than a horror movie, but the key is all in the mood… this movie can get very creepy, and there is a horrific element that enters the film in the latter part that qualifies Onibaba as a bona fide horror classic.



Scanners (1981) – A woman is gripped by unexplained seizures in a shopping mall. A man’s head literally explodes in front of a corporate conference. Both of these events are the result of Scanners – telepaths with the ability to not only read minds but completely interface with the body of another human being. One of these scanners, until recently a homeless derelict is recruited to hunt down the leader of a dangerous group of his brethren – a group whose mission it is to eliminate all “normals” and establish scanner supremacy.  Any other movie dealing with human telepathy would be a straight-up sci-fi movie, but since this movie is directed by David Cronenberg you’re going to get a lot of body horror watching this. Cronenberg seems to be more

interested in the negative (and gruesome) consequences of human telepathy rather than the positive implications. Well, at least it gives us a pretty good sci-fi horror yarn with some great special effects. Oh yeah, and Patrick McGoohan’s in it. And yes, even though it is never shown on television and hardly anyone anymore has seen it, it is the movie which gave us this famous image:





Prince of Darkness (1987) – An L.A. church is housing an ancient and deadly secret… a canister of green goo that has been locked away for more than two thousand years. A team of scientists and grad students is called in to study it, and they find out what it is: pure Liquid Satan (now 50% more refreshing!). The evil substance calls out to the homeless population of Los Angeles and they besiege the church, while inside the science team is slowly taken over one by one by the soft drink/unholy terror. This is easily John Carpenter’s most underrated film – for some reason a lot of people don’t like this one as much as his other stuff. I can kind of see why: it is a little clunky and not as well put together as some of his other movies. But the premise is interesting, the ideas are cool and the atmosphere is genuinely scary. I certainly consider it to be better than Halloween, which is considered by most to be his best film but that I find overrated (sorry). This movie has a lot to recommend: good FX, Alice Cooper and a truly frightening pornstache. Check it out.




Well, there you go. My personal recommendations for a Horror Movie Night. And keep in mind that these don’t have to watched only on Halloween – Horror is good year round! ‘Cause when you continually confront the dull existential horror of your everyday life, the best way to entertain yourself at the end of the day is watching the horror of seeing someone’s eyes imploding or seeing the grim spectacle of endless corpses being dumped into a bottomless pit.

Pleasant dreams.

The Great German Vampire Films Complete Review Project ––– Part Two of Two

Halloween's a' comin' up, and I'm celebrating the occasion by posting up a lazy photo review of the original silent Nosferatu.  Yep, I finally got around to seeing the F.W. Murnau classic... more than a year after reviewing the Werner Herzog remake.  Oh well, better late than never.  Can't dally long (more horror movies to watch) so sit back, relax and enjoy as I bring you

Huh.  This one starts out just like the Herzog remake - KITTY!

You will see this smile in your nightmares tonight...

and this creep is the hero.

"Is your wife a goer, know what I mean?"

"She sometimes goes, yes."

 Count Orlock: He lives in the night, feeds on the blood of the living... 

and is capable of splitting an arrow in twain with his own gray goose shaft.

Man, those schnitzengruben will wipe you out.

"Hello, this is your 6am Evil Undead Alarm Call!  Up and at 'em!"

Count Orlock: vampire, feudal lord, package deliveryman.

Oh, it's one of those marriages.

"Our minds are joining, Ellen... they are becoming one and the same...."

"What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and... oh, shit."

Tomorrow: More Halloweeny Goodness.

Boldly Going Where Every Blog Post Has Gone Before

Well, I'm back as promised (well, a little bit late) with a positive review, although it won't be a conventional essay.  No, I'm feeling lazy so it's going to be another review in pictures, just like Die Nibelungen was.  And it will be positive in the sense that it will not be downbeat.  So you see, I am fulfilling my obligation to you the reader and thus am not technically committing a lie.  I'm slick, ain't I?

So what is the subject of this review?  Well, hold on to your hats because I'm actually tackling AMERICAN animation for once (why should the Japanese have all the fun?).  And it's a television program.  Made in the Seventies.  And the title of this gem is... Star Trek.  Yes, prepare yourself for some 70s Filmation Cheese (Hey, at least it's not as bad as Hanna Barbera - uh oh, there I go being negative, stop it, stop it....) and enjoy the ride through the Final Frontier as I give you

Kirk and Co. looking fabulous.

 Star Trek needs more miniskirt-centric episodes like this one (ahem).

Also, when did Nurse Chapel join Security?

Facts I Learned From Star Trek: The Animated Series,

#1: The Japanese did not invent animated tentacle rape.

I guess the ship's tailor is a Captain Picard fan.

 

Facts I Learned From Star Trek: The Animated Series,

#2: The color of you eyes...

 ...is the exact same as the color of your skin.

Also, Kirk apparently snorts cocaine.

"Spock, I think we'll have to practice harder 

if we want to win the interpretive dance competition."

 The first clue that this is a Saturday Morning Kid's Program:

Kirk gets hit on by a woman and he doesn't  immediately

"educate" her in "this thing you humans call kissing."

Spock, getting a free lapdance...

...and McCoy, getting his groove on.  Cue Marvin Gaye!

"They don't understand you.  Only I understand you, my love."

Alright, slashers. On your mark, get set....

Okay, before it was Kirk, now the whole bridge crew is trippin'.  What gives?

"What's that look, Jim?  What are doing with that tribble, Jim?
Where are you going to put that tribble, Captain?"

 Facts I Learned From Star Trek: The Animated Series,

#3: Captain Kirk laughs just like a Japanese schoolgirl.

For those of you with a Furry fetish, TAS DELIVERS!

"Is Nurse Chapel gonna hafta choke a bitch?"

 "Since joining these men I have seen shit that will turn you white."

 

Jimi Hendrix eat your heart out.

Holy crap, now it's a strung-out alien!  

What is with all the drug use on this show?

Well, there you go, that's Star Trek: The Animated Series.  It's an okay show.  It's not great, but it is an entertaining enough way to spend a half of an hour.  It's certainly a better Star Trek show than Voyager or the cosmic shit-storm that is (ack) Enterprise.  


There I go, being negative again...




Happy Place. 


Happy Place. 


Happy Place.
 

Der Ring's Die Thing - A Quick Thought

I know that it's been a month since my last post, but my next review (the one I promised last time) has been taking a while, for two reasons:  the first is that the next review is for a TV show and it's been taking a long time to watch episodes, grab screenshots, etc.  The other reason is that I got a copy of Richard Wagner's monumental music drama Der Ring des Nibelungen two weeks ago and listened through that, and that took a while.  Listening to that opera cycle actually got me to thinking, too.  Why hasn't Hollywood made a movie version of the Ring Cycle?  I know, I know, it's opera, but it has everything a modern movie audience could want out of a fantasy epic:  action, romance, magic rings, swords, dwarves, dragons, betrayal, gods, fate and death.  What more could you want?  Audiences seemed to love Lord of the Rings, and that was really long so I don't think length would dissuade anybody.  And I think people could get used to the fact that everyone's singing all the time... they could just think of it as a massive, fourteen hour long music video.  With epic fantasy.  And incest.  Epic fantasy incest.  Whatever.  It was common in Greek Mythology and Ancient Egypt, so it's not like people haven't encountered the concept before.  Anyways, I think it would do rather well.  And it going to see it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than going to see it at the opera house.

Well, anyways, there's my quick thought.  As I promised, I will be back next week with a positive review.

What will it be?

Well, you'll just have to wait and find out.


Thptttttttttt.

Fortieth Post

As promised, an old-fashioned review to commemorate this blog’s one year of being on the web (and it is a momentous occasion, isn’t it?  ISN’T IT?!).  Today I’ll return to my roots so to speak by reviewing an anime OVA based on a Kosuke Fujishima manga, just like I did with my first ever review.  This one isn’t going to be so nice (or rambling) though seeing as how this show isn’t anywhere as good as Oh My Goddess.  So sit back, relax and enjoy as I review

You’re Under Arrest

OVA, 1994

Director: Kazuhiro Furuhashi

The Story:

You know what?  There really is no story.  Two cute, Japanese female cops meet while one gives the other a traffic citation (how wacky!), they quickly become best friends for life and have a series of (non)adventures while I become bored out of my skull.

The Review:

I wasn’t even that interested in getting this; oh sure, I was a tiny bit intrigued by the fact that it was created by the same guy who did OMG, but the only reason I got this was because it was 99 cents – Animeigo had a special offer on this and I got it to bump up my order of Urusei Yatsura movies to 25 bucks so I could get free shipping (I’m such a bastard).  I didn’t even take it out of its shrinkwrap until a week ago... and I've had this for five months.  Truth be told I wasn’t expecting much (fluff) therefore I guess I can’t say that I was that disappointed after watching You’re Under Arrest.

This show really is fluff.  No, it’s lighter and more insubstantial than fluff; I strongly suspect that if you took  the DVD of this and a rice cracker and dropped them both off of the Empire State Building at the same time, the cracker would hit the ground first (Galileo be damned).    The characters are not only unoriginal but like cardboard: indistinct and unmemorable.  For something billed as a comedy there isn’t even any real comedy.  The situations are so predictable, bland and unfunny that I struggled to keep awake watching this.  Now, it’s not bad.  No, that would be entertaining.  Garzey’s Wing is one of the most horrendously bad things I have ever seen (“I must somehow make sense of our convoluted situation!”  ) but it also made me laugh so hard that my brains flew out of my ears (they haven't returned since).  YUA just did… nothing.

There is no real conflict or drama in this show.  This is a police show, and yet the only real criminal is a speeding motorist that almost smacks a group of kindergarteners (and who would have gotten away in real life considering it took the motorcycle cop in this show about a full minute to get on his bike and give chase).  The other “conflicts” are super-lightweight. I know some people level this accusation against OMG as well, but that show (as fluffy as it was) actually had some semblance of drama in the last few episodes in addition to giving fodder to critics studying gender roles in anime.  This show has nothing in comparison.  It’s like comparing an anorexic teenage girl to a twinkie-addicted sumo wrestler.  Do you know what the saddest thing is?  I’m listening to Beethoven’s Symphony #6 right now while writing this and capturing screenshots for the show, and it pains me to be listening to some of the most sublime music ever made while watching some of the most banal pabulum ever made.

Well, is there anything good about YUA?  Sure, the art and animation are nice – very nice in fact.  There is a sequence in episode two that depicts a typhoon, and the animation of the rain and flooding water particularly impressed me.  The level of animation stays consistent for the rest of the show too, and this was a pleasant surprise.  Unfortunately, as I have said time and time again, well animated crap is still crap.

In the end I can’t recommend this; if you want a light-hearted fluffy comedy get Oh My Goddess.  If you want an animated police comedy get Patlabor.  Or Dominion.

The DVD:

It's a barebones disc from Animeigo.  The video and audio are good but there are no special features.  The Animeigo dub is, as always, awful.  I think it's hilarious how they tout their dub on their website too: "I liked the English dub more than the original Japanese!"  Really?  Personally, I liked neither.  Looking at the cover on this I see that it's labeled "Disc One."  What the hell, you mean there's more?!  Let's check the Wikipedia... holy crap!  They made a TV show out if this?! I think it's a good thing that Animeigo offered this as a sampler for 99 cents so you wouldn't have to pay a full 8 (or more) dollars to find out that this sucked and that you didn't want to buy the subsequent TV show.

Screenshots:

Hmm, a short haired, active, tomboyish girl...

 ...and a more traditionally feminine, long haired, less active girl.  

Where have I seen this before?

Oh, right.

"Psst, have you heard?  We're just a figment of someone's underactive imagination."

Just a normal date in Japan.

 

Don't get used to it.  This is the only time you see a gun used in this show.

Two Fujishima fetishes in one!

Ah, the timeless tradition of overturned fruit.  

Also, how can they run in those skirts?

Well, that kinda sucked – my one year anniversary review and I had to be negative.  Well, to balance it all out I’ll do a positive review next time.  Promise.

Happy Anniversary

Well, here we are...


At Saint Alphonso's Pancake Breakfast, Where I stole the margarine!


AND WIDDLED ON THE BINGO CARDS IN LIEU OF THE –


Where was I? Oh yes.


Here we are at the anniversary of the Pharonic Fantasy Theatre. So much has happened and yet so little has happened in the year since I started this blog. I got a job. I quit my job. I lost a grandmother. I met new people. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was


STINK-FOOT! STINK-FOOT DARLIN', STINK-FOOT!


– Sorry.Well, anyways, this blog has itself seen some changes since it's inception. For example, I no longer over-analyze fluffy anime romantic comedies like I did in the beginning with Oh My Goddess (I'm so embarrassed by that now, although I guess if Susan Napier can do so can I, although I'm still not proud of it). I also do less reviews these days and more articles or insubstantial stuff to cover the fact that I'm lazy and can't find the time to write that much while I try to find a job (again). But today is different. Today, the ritual gives no comfort, today.... oh, crap, I'm sorry. No, today I'm posting up a review in the old fashioned style like the very first one put on this site (though not as long-winded).


Also, I'll be going through this week and cleaning up the site a bit: fixing some grammar here, adding a word or two there. I'm not rewriting any articles or making any huge adjustments though – I kinda like reading my blog from time to time and seeing how it's changed (and I'm the only one).


Anyway, to those reading this, and I know that this is a total of three people, probably four if you count me, well I don't know if I should count me

GET ON WITH IT!

Sorry. Anyways, if you are reading this blog because you stumbled across it on the web somehow, leave a comment on what you think of this site. I wouldn't mind having some feedback. This has been mainly an exercise in writing for me, but I am somewhat interested in what others think... it would help me improve my writing.


Plus I haven't gotten any comments yet.


(Tear)


Anyways, have fun and here's to another year of the Pharonic Fantasy Theatre.

Tetsuo: The Iron Man - A Review In Haiku

You might find yourself

living in a shotgun shack

once in a lifetime

An office lady

with metal blob for a hand–

the subway is fun

A modern vacuum

now with front crotch attachment

girlfriend is better

Brand new penis drill

brings new meaning to the words

I want to screw you

I don’t need no car

why take a train or a plane?

I got rocket feet