Goodbye 2014

This year was a crappy year for me personally but it was a great year to go to the movie theatre.  The new Godzilla movie was great, Guardians Of The Galaxy was good, and a few others were fine too (but not Into The Woods as I mentioned a couple of posts ago).  People who believe that films today are all garbage compared to "the old days" need to get their heads reexamined.  Mindless drivel has existed since the birth of film.  The only really awful part of movie-going today is all the ads.

Well, here's to a happy new year... happy as it can be anyway.

Woot.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes?

I got a Blu-Ray player for Christmas a few days ago.  I had wanted one for a while but couldn't justify the expenditure.  Well, now that I have one I guess I can pick up some Blu-Rays, if the price is right.  To be honest though I haven't had much time to watch many movies, imaginary reader.  I am currently trying (once again) to get out of my shitastic retail job, so there's not much time to be reviewing movies and stuff.  Besides, I'm less satisfied with simply offering my opinions on other people's stuff, especially when they aren't even intelligent opinions.  Maybe I'll wind down this blog like I've thought of doing before.

Or maybe I'll just put it on hold for a while.

Or maybe I'll just keep banging out mediocre shit endlessly until the sun explodes.

Who knows?

Musical Mediocrity

A friend of mine wanted to see Into The Woods, so I went and saw it with them today.  It was weird - the story and characters weren't bad but overall the whole thing was... mediocre, uninspired.  It was about an hour too long.  And being a musical, the music sucked... not in a horrible, painful sense but in a "This is boring and I can't remember a single song walking out of the theatre" sense.  Musical theatre has its roots in opera, especially German singspiel opera which has spoken words coupled with arias as opposed to the normal recitative/aria format.  Into The Woods was like watching spoken word combined with recitative with no arias.  What made this baffling was that it was written by Stephen Sondheim, who also did what is possibly my favorite musical of all time, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.  I guess he lost any talent for melody between the two.  Look, I don't need hooks and melodies to enjoy music, or even musical theatre.  Tristan und Isolde has almost no catchy tunes and its over three hours long but the difference is that Richard Wagner was a musical genius and the music in Tristan is on a whole different level - yes, there are no hummable melodies, but the chords and harmonies are brilliant and the whole... tone of the opera is so emotionally resonant that you are affected inside and you remember *that* after the thing has ended and you look forward to the day when it can do it to you again.

I know I normally don't do reviews on this blog for movies that are currently in theatres (I should, I guess... but I suppose I don't because it's expensive to go to the movies... or maybe it's because I can't add any pretty pictures).  I just wanted to express my disappointment in this movie and in the state of music in film in general (I know I did a while ago with my film score post) and musicals in particular.  The same friend and I saw Frozen last year and that was mediocre too, with only one memorable song (and we all know what it is....).  It makes me wonder what the point of making these things musicals is when the music is so uninspired and unmemorable... why not have it be a straight up play or movie?

I don't go to live shows so I don't know what the absolute latest things playing are (I'm only so interested in musicals, they aren't my favorites) but if Into The Woods is any indication (and checking online I see that it originally played in 1987) I don't really have much hope.  I guess I should be somewhat hopeful... another one of my favorites, Little Shop Of Horrors debuted at about the time (1982) so maybe one day I'll give another musical a chance.

Ooh, that got me thinking... maybe I should go re-watch Little Shop Of Horrors.

Still Better Than 99% Of All Christmas Movies

Hey, I know what you want for Christmas!  A really short picture review of a weird-ass modern Hungarian psycho-opera!  YEAH!

1981

Director: Miklós Szinetár

"Some drapes here, a table there...."

Pfft.  My torture chamber looks waaaay cooler than that.

What gets me are the flamethrowers on the wall.
I want.

So... Blubeard has his own  tacky disco?

The plants appreciate it, Judith.

Blubeard Presents

"Okay, now you're not even trying."

Wait, maybe this was really directed by Terry Gilliam....

...

Well, I hope you enjoyed my attempt to illustrate the awesomeness of a musical genre of film using only pictures.

Merry Christmas!

Three Days Of Ritual Retail Orgy Gives Me The Right To Rant

Well, retailers opened on Thanksgiving again this year.  Hell, the retailer I (still) work for decided to open two hours earlier than last year.  The trend is set.  Nothing is sacred to Americans anymore.  Is Christmas itself next?  You've spent weeks buying shit for this day, now go out and spend MORE on this day!  Spend more.  And more.  And more.  Spend money on useless shit that you will never, ever need.  Spend money on ephemeral, cheaply manufactured junk that will bring relief and shallow fulfillment to your miserable little life for just a few more seconds.  Spend until you can't shit another cent out of your wallet.  Spend more and more of your hard earned cash until every billionaire in this country can afford to buy his cocaine-addled blonde bimbo of a mistress her own island... or two.  Spend.  Spend.  Spend.

Shameless Plug

I normally don't shill for big corporations or indeed any corporations (in fact, I even refuse to run ads on this blog even though it would net me a teeny bit of scratchola)  but I have to give some advertising space today to Netflix (which I have actually kinda written about before, reviewing movies I had seen on their site).

See, I watched David Cronenberg's first movie Shivers on the site last week, and it was a movie I had wanted to see for a long time.  The DVD had been out of print and I had been furiously searching for it in the used bookstores and online and such.  Well, I'm glad I didn't end up actually paying money (especially at the prices some of these online sellers wanted, yeesh) for it, because Netflix had it on their site and I of course immediately watched it.

And it sucked.

Other than some nudity from the ethereal Lynn Lowery, there was really nothing worth noting about Shivers.  Oh, sure, the concept was neat, and it was amusing to see Ivan Reitman (!) in the credits in an early gig, but you can really tell that it was Cronenberg's first attempt at a feature-length film.  Apparently it was a huge development to even get to the point of Scanners (now I guess I have to see Rabid and The Brood, which are hopefully better).

What I'm getting at is that I'm glad Netflix saved me from paying a lot of money for a movie that sucks.  For only $8.99 a month you get to see a bunch of movies and TV shows with no commercials and decide whether they are really worth shelling out money for.  Why get cable or satellite and pay over 80 dollars a month for 500 channels of crap and endless ads?  If Netflix got more licences and expanded  their library to include more classic movies they would be perfect.


Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Netflix.

Turning Japanese

Today for Spooky Day something a little bit different: I usually gather up a few horror movies to review but today there will be only one movie... kind of.  See, today's film is an anthology film, made up of different stories with a common theme: ghosts.  Which is appropriate, really, since the name of the movie (in Japanese anyway) is "Ghost Stories".

1965

Director: Masaki Kobayashi 

"The Black Hair" - This is the least satisfying tale in the bunch, but it's still pretty good.  Being the first one it sort of whets your appetite for the other three.  A samurai divorces his saintly wife to marry up into a successful family and get ahead on the social ladder.  After a while though he realizes that his new wife is a total bitch and he kind of misses his ex that he treated like total crap.  He returns home and this being a ghost movie everything goes about as well as you'd expect.

"The Woman Of The Snow" - A woodcutter is caught in a snow storm and watches his companion get the life sucked out of him by a scary lady snow vampire.  Instead of killing him though she lets him go after making him promise not to tell anybody - a little while later a mysterious stranger (hmmm) shows up in his life and marries him, being a perfect wife and never aging (HMMMMM).  One night he decides to tell her about that experience in the snowstorm many those many years before.  Things go about as well as you'd expect.

This one is more striking than the last - the sets are weird and very expressionistic, with sky-balls all over the place.  And damn is that one creepy snow-lady.

"Hoichi The Earless" - This one is the best of the bunch.  It's about a blind boy at a temple who is tempted by dead spirits to come and sing for them about the battle that they all died in.  After the temple priest gets hip to the whole thing (having your workers sitting in a graveyard singing all night is apparently not cool) he paints holy symbols on Hoichi to hide him from the restless ghosts... but forgets oooooone little area (if you need to guess than look at the title, fool).  Things go about as well as you'd expect.

This is the segment from this movie that everyone remembers and for good reason.  It could easily be a standalone movie, with awesome camerawork, atmosphere and acting.  Everyone also gripes about the title giving away the ending, but the point of this movie is not that you are surprised by what happens because you're not supposed to be.  The whole point is that you basically know what is going to happen - tragic events are inevitable and obvious, and the horror comes from the viewer knowing that something really bad is going to happen, it's just a matter of when.

"In A Cup Of Tea" - This one is just weird (and that's saying something).  A samurai drinks a cup of tea (or water, I mean it looked like water to me, but the title....) that has a face in it - later he is visited by a ghost who claims to be injured because of it.  The samurai tries to fight him and his ghostly minions.  Things go about as well as you'd - wait, no they don't because the story abruptly ends, and even though I just said that the movie isn't really about surprises I'm still not gonna say why because that would ruin the fun.


Kwaidan is not an in-your-face kind of horror movie.  It's more under-your-skin creepy.  It's atmospheric, beautiful and slow.  The version I watched had twenty minutes trimmed out (Criterion seriously needs to reissue this movie) and it was still over two-and-a-half hours long.  Every minute is gorgeous though.  They don't make horror cinema like this anymore.

Happy Halloween.

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Now There's Something You Don't See Everyday....

It's funny when you are finally able to fulfill a childhood desire after you grow up, even the (in the grand scheme of things) small ones.  As a child, my favorite-ist movie in the whole world was Ghostbusters.  It's still one of my favorites, actually, and when I heard that it was back in theatres for Labor Day weekend I nearly had a heart attack.  Of course I went and saw it.

And you know what?

It's still awesome.  In some ways even more so.  You'd think that seeing a movie hundreds of times on home video ever since you were a kid would lessen the impact of subsequently watching that movie on the big screen but nope.  On the big screen the film has an even bigger impact - I can understand now how some film snobs would consider home viewing a dumbing down of cinema as an art form... although I doubt that film snobs would consider Ghostbusters art.  Although I would hope that they would agree that it is awesome (in both the literal and slang senses of the word).

Speaking of awesome:  I just wish my dates went like this...

...never mind, no I don't.

I was even surprised while watching this Lovecraftian Comedy Classic on the silver screen how it still holds up in the special effects 30 years later.  In fact, it holds up more than later CGI-filled blockbusters.  Hell, I enjoyed Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings movies but the FX always felt too fake to me - I could tell that it was all a computer image programmed by an army of nerds.  The old movie effects to me look real - real physical objects constructed by an army of nerds.

Also, I like the fact that cinematography in Ghostbusters isn't ADD like modern blockbusters.  It doesn't feel as self-consciously slick as modern blockbusters either (although the decade it was made in was responsible for starting that trend).

Another artifact from this decade: everyone smokes!

Well, it's in theatres until Thursday.  Then you'll probably have to wait another 20 or 30 years for it to hit the cineplexes again - assuming we are still watching movies by then.

And hopefully not in 3-D,
although this would make for a *wicked* 3-D shot.

A Friend Like Him

Just a quick post today on the death of Robin Williams.  Mr. Williams was never my favorite comedian nor actor, and I could only take so much of him at a time before overdose, but I can't deny that the man was talented... and I do have fond memories of watching Disney's Aladdin as a kid.  I know that the man had problems due to mental illness and drug addiction, but his departure is still a shock.  So it goes.  RIP.

I Like To Play With Things Awhile Before Annihilation

Today for the 4th Of July I want to review one of the most patriotic, pro-American films I have ever seen... a film that makes me proud to be an American... a film produced by Italians and directed by and starring a bunch of Brits (and a Swede).

1980

Director: Mike Hodges

I am not joking.

Flash Gordon is not only a cinematic masterpiece, it is one of the most pro-American foreign movies I have ever seen.  Seriously.

This film is not "so-bad-it's-good" - it is unabashedly good.  It accomplishes all it sets out to do, and more.  It is a big-screen comic-come-to-life, a theatrical space opera that provides close to two hours of solid entertainment.  And it has music by Queen!

And freaking Max von "I was in The Seventh Seal" Sydow as the villain.
Oh, along with Las Vegas Doctor Doom on the right there.

But what makes it so patriotically American in addition to so awesome, you ask?  Well, the answer is the character of Flash Gordon himself.


Now, as acted by Sam Jones (who is coincidentally the only American actor in the main cast), Flash is not that great of a character on the surface... a blond football quarterback who's wooden and not the sharpest knife in the drawer (although he does have his moments of cleverness - see the tree ritual scene), he is the sort of character that most viewers would assume is a foreign film's spoof of the All-American Boy.

"Durrr..."  Actually, Dale is kind of blank, too.

He doesn't defeat Ming the Merciless in a sword battle, doesn't personally lead an army in a climatic battle or come up with a scientific solution to save the Earth - in fact, in the end the Earth is saved randomly and for almost no reason at all ("You have saved your Earth.  Have a nice day.")... so what makes Flash Gordon a great character and a great American hero?

Simple.  Morals.

Okay, he *does* sort of impale Ming with a rocket ship too....

Flash Gordon and his friends Dale Arden and Dr. Zarkov come to Mongo to save the Earth and find that the planet is completely degenerate morally.  There is a brutal fascistic dictatorship run by a madman - the reason that no one overthrows Ming is that they are too busy squabbling and fighting amongst themselves... a policy that Ming actively encourages in his subjects.  If all of the racial groups of Mongo would just somehow unite, they could overthrow the Emperor.  However, they are as morally degenerate as Ming himself, and lack any real human virtues - indeed, Ming tells his daughter Aura that tears are a "sign of weakness."  There is no real feeling or joy on Mongo, only decadence and violence.

And this.  Yes, this is the type of movie that this is.

But the arrival of Flash (aaaaa-AHHHHHH!) changes that.  He is the first to stand up to Ming and show that he can be defied, if only for a few minutes at least (he is quickly subdued and executed although he does get better).  His defiance is a breath of fresh air, and inspires the people of Mongo to set aside their differences, defy the emperor Ming and rule the planet with truth and justice and the American way.  But they have to get morals first.  And Flash Gordon is the moral enabler.

It's fascinating that the three people that Flash influence are princes (and a princess - cannot forget the princess).

Princess Aura revives Flash after his execution because of her lust for him and is later punished for it, being brutally tortured at the hands of her father's lackeys (and with the approval of daddy himself!).  This makes Aura realize what others have suffered at the hands of her father and gives her a new-found feeling of empathy.  She has to learn this before she becomes queen at the end of the movie.

This also has the side effect of giving the
S&M minded in the audience a major boner.

Prince Barin is jealous and cold towards any that not of his race.  He is taught true compassion when Flash spares him after their fight in the Hawkmen's city.  Barin has to learn that true compassion is not felt just towards your friends but your enemies.  This makes it possible for him to become the rightful ruler at the end.

This *also* has the side effect of giving the S&M...
wait, come to think of it this movie definitely has a very kinky vibe to it.

Prince Vultan for all his blustering and shouting is actually a coward.  He hates Ming but is too frightened to rise against him.  Flash's tenacity ("Gordon's ALIVE?") and courage spur Vultan into finally taking the plunge ("diiiiiiive!") and uniting with Flash and the others to overthrow the tyrant of Mongo.  He is rewarded at the end by being named General of the Armies.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"

Flash is an unwavering moral force (Ming outright tells him that he has never seen his like before... right before offering to rule together with Flash.  Flash naturally refuses).  His effect on the moral characters of others is what really drives the film thematically - their redemption and the ultimate redemption of their world is what Flash Gordon is really all about.  See, the song during the titles isn't just hyperbole:  Flash IS the savior of the universe, he IS a miracle, he IS king of the impossible and he WILL save every one of us.  Queen laid it all out right at the start of the movie.  Wasn't that nice of them?

So to sum up: A blond "All-American" football player, travels to a foreign place in the throes of a brutal fascist dictatorship and inspires the people through his moral leadership and defiance of the ruling regime to unite and rise up against that regime and in the process saves his own home.  Sounds like American propaganda to me!  Also sounds like the British and Italians deep down really, really like us.

Also, they like phallic rockets - GOD, this movie is really kinky, innit?

Yes, I just overanalyzed Flash Gordon.

You're welcome.

Happy Fourth.

It's Always The Quiet Ones

I was really, really bummed to hear today that Harold Ramis died.  Even though I didn't know Mr. Ramis personally, I grew up with him constantly in my life... I was a Ghostbusters fanatic as a kid and to this day count the original film among my top favorites.  I watched and enjoyed Caddyshack and Groundhog Day, films that he directed.  I would say that the world will miss Harold Ramis, but...

it won't.  Not really.

Oh sure, his family and personal friends will - as he will no longer personally be in their day-to-day lives.  But there is an old saying that goes something like "death is a state of being in which one exists solely in the memories of others"  If that's the case then Harold Ramis will exist for a very, very long time.

Because of the medium in which he created.  All artists achieve some form of immortality through their works, but for many centuries, an actor's performance died with them... there was no way to record an actor's performance of a play for posterity and the skill and personality of any given thespian only survived in the memories of those who saw them when they were alive.  Film and television changed all that.  Performances have been recorded and are accessible to all, and the combination of images and sound make for a visceral, *real* experience.  Now when we want to watch an actor, noted or not, all we have to do is just watch a movie or TV show that they were in.  We just pop a DVD into our computer, or switch on the TV or even just watch a video clip on Youtube and any deceased actor will live again.  Whenever I watch The Adventures of Robin Hood, Errol Flynn is alive, even if the movie was made in the 1930s.  Whenever I watch Newsradio, Phil Hartmann is living again, just like he was before 1998.  It's like he never went away.

And now, whenever I watch Ghostbusters, Harold Ramis will be alive again and always chasing ghosts through the haunted streets of Manhattan.  So I guess the hoary old cliche about Hollywood is true - it does make people immortal.

And with the continued popularity of a classic like Ghostbusters, Harold Ramis is now very immortal.

RIP