Love Stinks

Well, I said I'd give you beefcake, So I'm givin' you beefcake.  This one's for the laaaaadies (and some of you guys).  To conclude my reverse-chronology Mario Bava trio you get some *beefcake*

1961

Director: Mario Bava

It's funny, Mario Bava is usually associated solely with straight-up horror films and some would be surprised to see him directing a sword-and-sandals movie but Bava is actually perfect as the director for this for a few reasons: 1)he's just that awesome and he actually could do different genres, see Danger: Diabolik and Erik The Conqueror, 2)he had directed segments of and did the cinematography for the 1955 Kirk Douglas movie Ulysses and most importantly 3) he had done the cinematography for the two Steve Reeves Hercules movies.  So I guess he basically just graduated to director for this Hercules effort.

And what an effort it is!  This one blends the traditional Hercules swords-and-sandals stuff with horror and surrealism to make a great film, my personal favorite of all of Bava's movies.  The story is simple but not stupid - Hercules and Theseus along with their friend/comic relief Telemachus (?) go to Hades to retrieve a flower that can cure a curse put on Hercules' girlfriend Deianira by the eeeeevil King Lico.

Well, less cursed and more stoned.

While there Theseus foolishly falls for and absconds with Hades' daughter Meiazotide (who interestingly enough in the English language version is called Persephone, who was Hades' wife, not daughter), thus causing a Curse Upon The Land once the adventurers reach the land of the living.  Can Hercules persuade his hormonal buddy to give up his girl for the sake of the kingdom?  Can he defeat the evil and necrotic Lico and put an end to his reign of terror?  Will he throw yet another giant rock?  Watch and find out!

"Don't worry, Herc! I'm sure that Deianira totally WON'T get jealous and put
centaur blood on your clothes, causing you to die a miserable, agonizing death!"
"Wait, what?"

This movie is gorgeous - Bava's mastery of color is on full display, which is notable seeing as how this is the first color film he directed.  Yeah the sets look like sets but they ain't half bad.  The rock monster threatening Theseus and Telemachus is goofy looking and obviously fake but still has some menace.

The surreal imagery is what really makes this movie - this is unlike any Hercules film before or since, with an atmosphere that sometimes borders on an art film.

The acting is okay.  Reg Park as Hercules doesn't have the raw charisma of Steve Reeves, but does well enough.  He does sometimes come off as more friendly and lunkheaded than intense and conflicted (as Reeves usually was) but this is not completely out of character.

Christopher Lee of course does an excellent job playing the villain, which is an accomplishment considering that you never hear his voice - in both the Italian *and* English dubs he is voiced by someone else (so is Park, actually).  It is a testament to the recently departed Mr. Lee that he can still give a convincing portrayal even when voiced by another, using his face and body.

"No, I am totally NOT an evil... oh, who the fuck am I kidding?
I'm muthafuckin' Christopher Lee."

Speaking of convincing portrayals, this movie is one of the power of love, for both good and evil.  Hercules' love of his longtime sweetie Deianira inspires him to go all the way to the underworld and perform great deeds, while Theseus rashly endangers everyone by refusing to give up a girl he met and became infatuated with about twenty minutes ago.  Theseus is quick and passionate with his emotions, while Hercules is a little more stoic and oh shit I'm starting to go into Star Trek crap so I'm gonna stop now.

A literal roll in the hay.

Suffice to say the main theme of the movie is this: love is an awesome thing as long as it's gradual and genuine, not some instant infatuation.  Also, for the love of the gods, if there is a plague on the land and the only way to stop is to give up the pussy, just give up the pussy.

Also, never trust a naked woman! (see also: The Shining)

But this isn't just film student fodder - it's also the most fun Bava movie I have seen outside of the aforementioned Danger: Diabolik.  Cheesy rock monsters, hellish polenta pits and a demigod squashing zombies with Stonehenge rocks makes for an awesome experience, folks.  Actually if you want to have an interesting time, try this little drinking game: every time Herc throws a rock at something or someone, take a drink (make it two drinks for a non-lithic object).  By the end of the movie you will be drunk off your ass, 'cause there is a lot of rock chuckin' to be had in Hercules In The Center Of The Earth.

Maybe that's the real theme of this movie: whenever life serves you lemons, chuck a giant rock at it.

'Til next time!

100th Post!

July was a weird month. I went through a very strange time personally and had to examine other human beings and my relationships with them and myself.  Friends I thought were close ended up not being that close and friends I thought I shared an honest relationship with ended up not being honest with me (and I fully realize that not every human relationship can be 100% honest or society would not function).  Don’t get me wrong, last month was not the first time I have lost a friendship or had someone distance themself from me, but everything seemed to hit hard in July for some strange reason. Here’s hoping August is a much better month for me.

Sorry about all the personal stuff, imaginary reader. But it DOES tie in to today’s (very special 100th) post! See, I have decided after doing Planet of the Vampires to dedicate a couple more posts to famed cult director Mario Bava, for two reasons: 1) Every movie blog needs to have something on Bava and 2) Why should Herzog get all the glory? Thus I selected his possibly most famous and influential film, The Three Faces Of Fear (otherwise known by its English-language AIP version title Black Sabbath) which is all about… human relationships and deception.

The Three Faces Of Fear

1963

Director: Mario Bava

What? An Italian sixties horror film actually being about something? Surely not! But yes, brutish reader, and let me explain. Three Faces Of Fear is an anthology film, and all three short films therein are united by that theme. It’s interesting that when AIP dubbed the film in English and shuffled the running order around for their release, they also (in addition to dropping the lesbian subtext) changed “The Telephone” to being a ghost story instead of a straight-up thriller, figuring that since the other two shorts had supernatural themes, “Telephone” was the odd one out without one. Well, they were wrong because the link between all of the shorts is not the supernatural but the relationships between human beings (and fear, hence the original Italian title) and dishonesty both with others and oneself. Let’s go through each short film one by one Kwaidan style and illustrate my point (without being to spoilerrific for those of you who haven’t seen the movie):

I know *I* always go to bed with perfect hair and makeup.

"The Telephone" – This is the one with the aforementioned lesbian subtext. A high class call girl gets home one night and starts getting threatening phone calls, supposedly from her ex-boyfriend Frank, who she helped put in jail. Turns out though that the calls are coming from her ex-girlfriend Mary, who is making the calls to try and get closer to her. But what will happen when Mary comes over to “comfort” her ex/victim? And is Frank truly out of the picture?

Either murder or erotic asphyxiation gone very, very wrong.

The deception in this one is fully evident – Rosy is a victim of Mary’s gross effort to manipulate her and both women pay the price for it. Mary’s deception of Rosy is borne out of an obsession with her (not real love) and is ruinous. This is the lesson of “The Telephone”: if you love someone don’t try to get her back by scaring her or you might find yourself being strangled with your own stockings by her ex-pimp. Oops, I guess I spoiled it… sorry sorry sorry but you should still see it anyway, I haven’t given away the complete ending.

"No, I am totally NOT an evil bloodsucking vampire."

"The Wurdalak" – The most famous part of the movie, because Boris Karloff is in it. A young count comes across a family that dreads the return of the father (Karloff) after he went out to hunt a wurdalak – a vampire that only feeds on the ones they love. They are afraid that if he comes back he may be contaminated and a wurdalak himself… guess what happens when he comes back? One by one the newly vampirized patriarch starts feeding on his family, and the visiting nobleman must try to escape with the daughter that he has (within the space of two minutes) fallen                                                                                                          in love with. 

"Come with me and escape your evil undead family!"
"But I just met you - no wait, what am I saying? Okay."

Ooh, the family dynamics in this one are fucked up. Usually in movies espousing “family values” the basic family is held up as the core unit of society, and that the love of family members for each other is an unshakable virtue, possibly the highest belonging to the human race. Bava takes that concept and craps all over it, showing how destructive family bonds and obligations can be. The patriarch’s power over this family is so great that even after it becomes apparent that HE IS ONE OF THE BLOODSUCKING UNDEAD his family obeys him unfailingly even as they *know* that HE IS ONE OF THE BLOODSUCKING UNDEAD. Even the normally sacrosanct relationship between mother and child is shown as being something destructive. The wurdalak’s daughter-n-law is shown being completely irrational and threatening to kill herself should her newly-dead child be decapitated (to prevent him becoming a vampire) merely because it would disfigure him. Her demands are foolishly met and she later kills HER OWN HUSBAND (you just learned where you rate, dude) just to be reunited with her newly-undead kid when he shows up at the door crying. Motherhood is not always beautiful. There are more examples but I don’t want to give away everything. Lesson: sometimes rational thought takes precedence over family bonds and obligations.  Also, don't deceive yourself over your undead, bloodsucking dad.

"Hello, you have reached the Greedy Bitch Hotline."

“The Drop of Water” – A nurse is called to deal with the corpse of a newly-dead psychic medium. She sees a ring that she just HAS TO HAVE and takes off the dead body and you can see where this is going, can’t you?

I know I would TOTALLY risk the wrath of the dead for that ring.

I’m not going to lie. This segment scared the shit out of me. I am a 33 year old man and after watching this movie I had to sleep with the lights on for the first time since I was 6. I am a rational being and I do not believe in the supernatural but HOLY CRAP THAT DEAD LADY LOOKS RIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL AND ANNHILATES IT AND OH MY GOD SHE COULD BE SITTING IN THE CORNER OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW ARRRRRRRGH I WON’T BE ABLE TO SLEEP FOR WEEKS!

 Ahhhhh, ah. Okay. Deep breath. It’s only the CREEPIEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE IN YOUR LIFE. Okay. (Inhales) (Exhales)

This one is all about dishonesty as well as our relationship to the dead. Just because someone’s dead doesn’t mean that you aren’t in a relationship with them. The greedy nurse treats the dead (CREEPY) medium with contempt and steals from her and it ends up biting her in the ass. Lesson: Be honest and don’t steal. Also, don’t be a dick to dead people.



Well, there you go. My personal experiences of July sort of summed up in one movie. Human relations tested and strained and sometimes broken, but at least I haven’t had to deal with killers, vampires or ghosts.

Now, to kick off August and be a total dick, I end this 100th post of the Pharonic Fantasy Theatre with this image, may it be indelibly burned into your brain as it was mine:

Next Week: Beefcake!

Lying Movie Titles, Exhibit A

I said I'd do it so here it is.

1965

Director: Mario Bava

This film is the ultimate in style over substance.  There is very little story - a spaceship crew lands on a creepy alien planet and discovers that the crew of their sister ship has become alien-possessed zombies (why the hell it's called Planet of the *Vampires* is beyond me, there's nary a bloodsucker in sight... the original Italian title Terror In Space makes a whole lot more sense) - there is almost no characterization, it drags a bit and the dialogue is nothing to write home about.  But the sets!  And those costumes!  And the cool alien skeletons!  Sure, the actual special effects are hideously dated and sometimes laughable, but Planet of the Vampires is a visually striking film... Mario Bava was known for his use of color and his mastery of lighting and it shows in this movie. The creepy atmosphere and colorful sights will stay with you for a while...  it definitely did with the right people - you can see it's influence in Alien (writer Dan O'Bannon openly admitted to the influence of Bava's movie but director Ridley Scott has never owned up to it even though it's freaking obvious) and a lot of other later sci-fi movies.

I know that I haven't written much about this film, but as I have said it is because there isn't much to write about story or performance-wise.  This ain't some deep rumination on the human condition to be analyzed but a (sometimes) fun little space zombie movie to simply look at and appreciate for what it is.  In the end, I can safely recommend Planet of the Vampires - it's not a cinematic science fiction masterpiece but it's still better than Interstellar.

Burn!

It's the 60s so the spacesuits look like this.

It's the 60s so they're still putting effort into making alien
planet sets look *alien*.

It's the 60s and it's not Star Trek, so the spaceships are just
models sitting in front a backdrop...

...the spaceship control rooms are an ergonomic nightmare...

...and ray guns are butane torches.

"No, I am totally NOT a killer space zombie."

Hmm... I wonder...

...where Ridley Scott...

...got his ideas from.

"Let's watch this new movie, supposed to be good,
it's called Interstellar...."

"It's not my fault! She passed out after watching only 30 minutes!"
Okay, okay, this is the last time I'll hate on Interstellar.

Next Time: More Mario Madness




P.S. Interstellar sucks.

...Damn it!

I Like To Play With Things Awhile Before Annihilation

Today for the 4th Of July I want to review one of the most patriotic, pro-American films I have ever seen... a film that makes me proud to be an American... a film produced by Italians and directed by and starring a bunch of Brits (and a Swede).

1980

Director: Mike Hodges

I am not joking.

Flash Gordon is not only a cinematic masterpiece, it is one of the most pro-American foreign movies I have ever seen.  Seriously.

This film is not "so-bad-it's-good" - it is unabashedly good.  It accomplishes all it sets out to do, and more.  It is a big-screen comic-come-to-life, a theatrical space opera that provides close to two hours of solid entertainment.  And it has music by Queen!

And freaking Max von "I was in The Seventh Seal" Sydow as the villain.
Oh, along with Las Vegas Doctor Doom on the right there.

But what makes it so patriotically American in addition to so awesome, you ask?  Well, the answer is the character of Flash Gordon himself.


Now, as acted by Sam Jones (who is coincidentally the only American actor in the main cast), Flash is not that great of a character on the surface... a blond football quarterback who's wooden and not the sharpest knife in the drawer (although he does have his moments of cleverness - see the tree ritual scene), he is the sort of character that most viewers would assume is a foreign film's spoof of the All-American Boy.

"Durrr..."  Actually, Dale is kind of blank, too.

He doesn't defeat Ming the Merciless in a sword battle, doesn't personally lead an army in a climatic battle or come up with a scientific solution to save the Earth - in fact, in the end the Earth is saved randomly and for almost no reason at all ("You have saved your Earth.  Have a nice day.")... so what makes Flash Gordon a great character and a great American hero?

Simple.  Morals.

Okay, he *does* sort of impale Ming with a rocket ship too....

Flash Gordon and his friends Dale Arden and Dr. Zarkov come to Mongo to save the Earth and find that the planet is completely degenerate morally.  There is a brutal fascistic dictatorship run by a madman - the reason that no one overthrows Ming is that they are too busy squabbling and fighting amongst themselves... a policy that Ming actively encourages in his subjects.  If all of the racial groups of Mongo would just somehow unite, they could overthrow the Emperor.  However, they are as morally degenerate as Ming himself, and lack any real human virtues - indeed, Ming tells his daughter Aura that tears are a "sign of weakness."  There is no real feeling or joy on Mongo, only decadence and violence.

And this.  Yes, this is the type of movie that this is.

But the arrival of Flash (aaaaa-AHHHHHH!) changes that.  He is the first to stand up to Ming and show that he can be defied, if only for a few minutes at least (he is quickly subdued and executed although he does get better).  His defiance is a breath of fresh air, and inspires the people of Mongo to set aside their differences, defy the emperor Ming and rule the planet with truth and justice and the American way.  But they have to get morals first.  And Flash Gordon is the moral enabler.

It's fascinating that the three people that Flash influence are princes (and a princess - cannot forget the princess).

Princess Aura revives Flash after his execution because of her lust for him and is later punished for it, being brutally tortured at the hands of her father's lackeys (and with the approval of daddy himself!).  This makes Aura realize what others have suffered at the hands of her father and gives her a new-found feeling of empathy.  She has to learn this before she becomes queen at the end of the movie.

This also has the side effect of giving the
S&M minded in the audience a major boner.

Prince Barin is jealous and cold towards any that not of his race.  He is taught true compassion when Flash spares him after their fight in the Hawkmen's city.  Barin has to learn that true compassion is not felt just towards your friends but your enemies.  This makes it possible for him to become the rightful ruler at the end.

This *also* has the side effect of giving the S&M...
wait, come to think of it this movie definitely has a very kinky vibe to it.

Prince Vultan for all his blustering and shouting is actually a coward.  He hates Ming but is too frightened to rise against him.  Flash's tenacity ("Gordon's ALIVE?") and courage spur Vultan into finally taking the plunge ("diiiiiiive!") and uniting with Flash and the others to overthrow the tyrant of Mongo.  He is rewarded at the end by being named General of the Armies.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"

Flash is an unwavering moral force (Ming outright tells him that he has never seen his like before... right before offering to rule together with Flash.  Flash naturally refuses).  His effect on the moral characters of others is what really drives the film thematically - their redemption and the ultimate redemption of their world is what Flash Gordon is really all about.  See, the song during the titles isn't just hyperbole:  Flash IS the savior of the universe, he IS a miracle, he IS king of the impossible and he WILL save every one of us.  Queen laid it all out right at the start of the movie.  Wasn't that nice of them?

So to sum up: A blond "All-American" football player, travels to a foreign place in the throes of a brutal fascist dictatorship and inspires the people through his moral leadership and defiance of the ruling regime to unite and rise up against that regime and in the process saves his own home.  Sounds like American propaganda to me!  Also sounds like the British and Italians deep down really, really like us.

Also, they like phallic rockets - GOD, this movie is really kinky, innit?

Yes, I just overanalyzed Flash Gordon.

You're welcome.

Happy Fourth.