Love Stinks

Well, I said I'd give you beefcake, So I'm givin' you beefcake.  This one's for the laaaaadies (and some of you guys).  To conclude my reverse-chronology Mario Bava trio you get some *beefcake*

1961

Director: Mario Bava

It's funny, Mario Bava is usually associated solely with straight-up horror films and some would be surprised to see him directing a sword-and-sandals movie but Bava is actually perfect as the director for this for a few reasons: 1)he's just that awesome and he actually could do different genres, see Danger: Diabolik and Erik The Conqueror, 2)he had directed segments of and did the cinematography for the 1955 Kirk Douglas movie Ulysses and most importantly 3) he had done the cinematography for the two Steve Reeves Hercules movies.  So I guess he basically just graduated to director for this Hercules effort.

And what an effort it is!  This one blends the traditional Hercules swords-and-sandals stuff with horror and surrealism to make a great film, my personal favorite of all of Bava's movies.  The story is simple but not stupid - Hercules and Theseus along with their friend/comic relief Telemachus (?) go to Hades to retrieve a flower that can cure a curse put on Hercules' girlfriend Deianira by the eeeeevil King Lico.

Well, less cursed and more stoned.

While there Theseus foolishly falls for and absconds with Hades' daughter Meiazotide (who interestingly enough in the English language version is called Persephone, who was Hades' wife, not daughter), thus causing a Curse Upon The Land once the adventurers reach the land of the living.  Can Hercules persuade his hormonal buddy to give up his girl for the sake of the kingdom?  Can he defeat the evil and necrotic Lico and put an end to his reign of terror?  Will he throw yet another giant rock?  Watch and find out!

"Don't worry, Herc! I'm sure that Deianira totally WON'T get jealous and put
centaur blood on your clothes, causing you to die a miserable, agonizing death!"
"Wait, what?"

This movie is gorgeous - Bava's mastery of color is on full display, which is notable seeing as how this is the first color film he directed.  Yeah the sets look like sets but they ain't half bad.  The rock monster threatening Theseus and Telemachus is goofy looking and obviously fake but still has some menace.

The surreal imagery is what really makes this movie - this is unlike any Hercules film before or since, with an atmosphere that sometimes borders on an art film.

The acting is okay.  Reg Park as Hercules doesn't have the raw charisma of Steve Reeves, but does well enough.  He does sometimes come off as more friendly and lunkheaded than intense and conflicted (as Reeves usually was) but this is not completely out of character.

Christopher Lee of course does an excellent job playing the villain, which is an accomplishment considering that you never hear his voice - in both the Italian *and* English dubs he is voiced by someone else (so is Park, actually).  It is a testament to the recently departed Mr. Lee that he can still give a convincing portrayal even when voiced by another, using his face and body.

"No, I am totally NOT an evil... oh, who the fuck am I kidding?
I'm muthafuckin' Christopher Lee."

Speaking of convincing portrayals, this movie is one of the power of love, for both good and evil.  Hercules' love of his longtime sweetie Deianira inspires him to go all the way to the underworld and perform great deeds, while Theseus rashly endangers everyone by refusing to give up a girl he met and became infatuated with about twenty minutes ago.  Theseus is quick and passionate with his emotions, while Hercules is a little more stoic and oh shit I'm starting to go into Star Trek crap so I'm gonna stop now.

A literal roll in the hay.

Suffice to say the main theme of the movie is this: love is an awesome thing as long as it's gradual and genuine, not some instant infatuation.  Also, for the love of the gods, if there is a plague on the land and the only way to stop is to give up the pussy, just give up the pussy.

Also, never trust a naked woman! (see also: The Shining)

But this isn't just film student fodder - it's also the most fun Bava movie I have seen outside of the aforementioned Danger: Diabolik.  Cheesy rock monsters, hellish polenta pits and a demigod squashing zombies with Stonehenge rocks makes for an awesome experience, folks.  Actually if you want to have an interesting time, try this little drinking game: every time Herc throws a rock at something or someone, take a drink (make it two drinks for a non-lithic object).  By the end of the movie you will be drunk off your ass, 'cause there is a lot of rock chuckin' to be had in Hercules In The Center Of The Earth.

Maybe that's the real theme of this movie: whenever life serves you lemons, chuck a giant rock at it.

'Til next time!