Forward! Always Forward.

The end of one year and the start of another is always an opportunity to reminisce and reflect on the passage of time, but this year hit me moreso than previous ones.  Time has always been strange for me (as it doubtless is for most of the human race)... events from half a lifetime ago sometimes feel like they happened yesterday while stuff that happened a few days ago seem eons away.  However, I think it finally hit me this year: the formative years of my childhood and adolescence are long gone.  I realized this many years ago, obviously, but this year in particular was a big reminder.

See, this year Star Trek: Deep Space Nine turned 20 years old.  TWENTY YEARS OLD.  I watched that show when I was a kid all the way through high school.  I always thought of it as being one of the "newer" Trek shows.  Now it is comfortably in the past (with crappy reboot Trek being in the present - nope, gonna keep this post positive... no nerd rage here....).  On a related note, a lot of the PC games I played as a kid (never owned a console) turned 20 this year too.  Lucasarts' X-Wing, Day of the Tentacle, and Sam and Max Hit The Road in particular.  20 year old computer games - and I still play them on a semi regular basis (well, the adventure games, anyway).

And it's funny because in the grand scheme of things twenty years isn't piffle.  Even in the course of human history it is nothing.  But in your average human life it can seem like a long time... even when you swear that it sometimes feels like yesterday.

Well, here's to 2014 and the inevitable forward march of time.  Until we invent some sort of time machine the past will have to remain in our memories and our stories.  Which is the best place for it really... progress doesn't happen by looking backwards.

Happy New Year.

The Greatest Pleasure In Life

I was originally going to do a real movie review here but the fact that I have been working retail during the holiday season, combined with the fact that I have been stupidly sick for the last few days has prevented me from doing do (Meds are fun - all I see are little DOTS DOTS dots dots dots).

So instead, accept this warm, genuine holiday message from me to you.  This Christmas (whether you celebrate it or not) spend your time with the people you love, people who will love you and accept you no matter who or what you are, people you cherish and would do anything for.  Feast with your family and friends, and feel the spirit of peace comfort you this holiday season.

Merry Christmas.

There Is No Comparison... Until Now

Today, no review but a quick rumination on a film I both re-watched and watched for the first time recently:

1979

Director: Robert Wise

It’s funny how your perception of something can change. I have always liked Star Trek: The Motion Picture, at least I thought I have. See, ever since I was a kid I have watched it either in the extended VHS cut or the DVD Director’s Cut… but until about a week ago I had never seen the original theatrical cut, since it hadn’t been available on home video until recently. I had always wondered about all the hate for the movie… yeah, sure, it is slow and things seem to be a bit muted compared to the original TV show

And yeah, okay, the costumes are horrible.

but there is a good science fiction story and some actual character development once you look past all the pretty special effects and music and such.

Well, after seeing the original theatrical cut I understand now how people back in 1979 would have been less than plussed with this film. The movie feels choppy and confusing, with sudden cuts and lots of stuff left out. I had read before about how the film was cut down for the original release but I was still surprised at how many scenes that I took for granted were *not* in the theatrical version. The biggest omission was the key moment with Spock weeping for V’Ger (“Logic and knowledge are not enough”).

*Manly Tears*

Leaving this scene out basically destroys his character arc for the movie – STTMP is partially about Spock’s journey to find himself and attain spiritual fulfillment, and leaving out this self-realization *really* hurts the film.

Watching the theatrical cut also got me to thinking about director’s cuts of movies in general. In 2000 Robert Wise was given a chance to go back and finish Star Trek the way he wanted to back in 1979. The results are pretty good. While there is some playing around with SFX for the sake of playing around (the tram station looks pretty but was it necessary), mostly he just tries to make things look like the original storyboards (Vulcan looks sooooo much better) and what things in general would have looked like had he had time to actually finish the movie.

He thus does not engage in the George Lucas wankery of making a movie from the seventies look like some unholy hybrid of that era and the modern day (“Hi, you are watching a movie from the SEVENTIES oh now WHACK! It’s 2003!”).

For the most part the director’s cut looks like a movie from 1979 (there are a few spots where the CGI is obvious). And that’s what a director’s cut *should* be, not an excuse to go back and keep fiddling with something that you were never satisfied with because you’re a compulsive perfectionist neurotic. GEORGE.

If this were a George Lucas movie there would be
robots and lizards in the background, or something.

The only beef I have is that the 1980s TV extended cut is not on DVD (it was only ever released on VHS). While it is bloated (they threw just about everything they had in there) and there is one scene with a glaring special effects failure (the set wasn’t finished so you see scaffolding and lights) it would still be cool to have it to view for reference on DVD or Blu-Ray (for all you people with money out there). Maybe a three or four disc Mega Ultimate Special Edition? So for all of you who saw Star Trek: The Motion Picture back in the day and hated it, I understand. Pick up the Director’s Cut on DVD (it isn’t out on Blu-Ray yet) and see what you missed out on in the theatre. For those of you who haven’t seen the original theatrical version, pick it up and watch it and understand why it inspired so much ire from fans – and why they hailed the sequel.

Drifting Dangerously Off Topic

Yeah, yeah.  I know that I said when I started The Pharonic Fantasy Theatre that it would be a movie-TV-whatever blog and that I wouldn't talk about my personal life or whatever but you know what?  I gotta rant.

As I said in my last post, I'm working retail again (BLARRRRRRRGH) and I pulled a loooooong shift on Thanksgiving/Black Friday/Whatever-The-Hell-It-Holiday-It-Has-Mutated-Into-Now-We-Should-Probably-Just-Call-The-Whole-Time-From-Halloween-To-New-Year's-CONSUMEFEST and it got me thinking.  Actually seeing people lined up in front of stores in the cold made me sad for my country and humanity in general.  Is snagging a Good Deal on a giant TV set or an iPad so important that you sit outside in the cold in November on Thanksgiving, a holiday where you are SUPPOSED TO BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE?  I mean, it's sad that Americans' wages are so low now that they have to wait for one day a year to be able to afford this stuff, but it's even sadder that they think they HAVE to have it in the first place... I mean, TVs... electronic devices... toys... all the big selling items I was running through my check lane during The Time Of Consumption was absolutely non-vital.  Look, I know that this is a movie review blog (barely, I know, especially lately) but it's just a bit of fun for me - movies to me are not vital.  Food is.  Shelter is.  A genuine feeling of love and well-being for myself and others is.  Even in the realm of entertainment, something like a good book or music is much more important to me than any electronic means of entertainment.  How have people come to believe that they need this stuff for their happiness?  I would never sit in the cold and the dark to wait to get a movie, or a TV or even a CD or a book, no matter how cheap they would be.  It makes one think and reflect in sadness on the modern state of our society.

And I'm not even going to go into the violence that can accompany any of this (thankfully I didn't see any of that).

Well, just my ruminations - I will try to actually review a movie next time.  No promises though.

Still No Pretty Pictures

Long time, long time.

Working retail again (ARRRRRRRRRGH) and the holiday season is upon us... already the stores fill with endless consumeristic crap and maddening Christmas jingles.  And I work Black Friday for 12 hours straight this year.  Yum.

But I don't want to talk about any of that today.  No, what I want to talk about is the purpose of film and a reflection on its place in human existence.

What, did you think I would use that shot from Scanners here?  Pft - that's getting old.

Anyways, I saw Thor: The Dark World last Saturday.  It was... okay.  The villain was rather underdeveloped (supposedly because the studio removed over 20 minutes from the final cut, booooo) but the rest was entertaining enough.  If you like superhero movies or just fantasy movies in general I suggest you go see it.

The point is, the film got mostly lukewarm reviews, while the movie opening the same weekend that got all the rave reviews and had the critics jizzing their pants was Blue Is The Warmest Color.  I have not seen it myself, and do not plan to considering it doesn't seem to be my cup of tea - a movie that includes a 10 minute long sex scene seems a little gratuitous and artsy for its own good in my book.  But of course the film critics *ate it up* (I think they were biased because it was Freeeench).   And there are those who will say that it is "real" art, and that something like Thor is "mere" entertainment.  Well, guess what, people... it's all entertainment.  Well, unless you are watching a documentary film or something - something like Inequality For All, which I saw last month that basically told me what I already knew (but is still worth watching anyway, I recommend it) but oh well.

Films are entertainment.  They are a means of amusing yourself and keeping your mind occupied so that it is not occupied with the banalities or (heaven forbid) unpleasantries of your life.  All of the emotions they evoke, all of the drama or comedy or tragedy or excitement - they are meant as entertainment.  Yes, they can point out things about the human condition and show us ourselves - but they do so as entertainment... diversions... otherwise we would just get it in manual form.  People who believe they are watching certain films purely as art to enlighten themselves are just deluding themselves.

Because it's all the same.  Even viewing "pure" art is just a way of entertaining yourself... keeping your mind occupied until the day you day... because All Work And No Play and all that.  It's just that some people have different tastes.

In the end, whether something is artsy or actiony or well-made or badly made or whatever... it's all the same.  It's entertainment.  And I have learned not to judge others for their entertainment, no matter how shitty it appears to me.  They probably think my tastes are just as shitty.

So the lesson today is... if you have film snob friends, don't let them make you feel guilty or stupid for preferring Thor or The Hunger Games: Catching Fire or The Fast And The Furious 23: Nursing Home Wheelchair Challenge to Blue Is The Warmest Color.  Because one day we are all going to die and our tastes in movies won't count for jack shit.

Except mine of course.  Keep reading my shitty blog.

Happy Tragedy Day

Halloween again… time for more horror movies! Or “horror” movies as the case may be for some of the films reviewed this year… and they are all from Netflix this time (no pictures for you) ‘cause, hey, why not? 



First we have two old “classic” Universal monster movies:

Bride of Frankenstein (1935) – A sequel to a movie that didn’t need a sequel. Dr. Frankenstein is blackmailed by his crazy former prof and his sad-sack creation into making a lady monster. It doesn’t end well, as you can imagine. Okay, this isn’t a horror film. It isn’t scary, it’s just tragic in an existential kind of way. Watching this is like watching an old Wile. E. Coyote cartoon. The Monster can’t catch a fuckin’ break, man, he can’t catch a fuckin’ break. Seriously, your heart will go out to this guy and you’ll want to reach through the screen and punch people for picking on him. Yeah, I wonder why he keeps killing people when you treat him like crap?  Frustrating but not frightening.

The Wolf Man (1941) – Larry the Peeping Tom comes home to the UK after years spent in America (i.e. convenient excuse for his accent - riiiiiight) and gets bitten by a werewolf and you can guess the rest. This film is not scary at all… actually it’s pretty lame and kinda boring. Lon Chaney Jr. can’t act, but Claude Rains can and gives the best performance in the damn picture, especially when he has to kill his own son (yeah, I spoiled it for you. Deal with it). That is the only genuinely moving moment in the entire movie by the way. You can safely skip this one. 


Well, for two “classic” horror films those weren’t scary at all, were they? Okay, well now how about two films adapted from Stephen King, an author known for SHEER TERROR?

Carrie (1976) – Oh, godammit, another straight-up tragedy. The only thing scary in this movie (and I ain’t even gonna recount the plot because everyone in America should know it by now) is Carrie’s mom – people like this exist – and how the system fails Carrie. Yeah, she goes on her telekinetic rampage at the end and it’s kind of satisfying seeing her dish out punishment to her tormentors, but in her fury she kills her benefactors too, and that is incredibly tragic. So to sum up, this movie is a tragedy. No real frights here. No wait. There’s the famous jump scare at the end. That startled me right out of my seat, and I knew it was coming. Brilliant.

Pet Sematary (1989) – This one actually has some horror, but it’s also very tragic (I’m sensing a theme today). Let me just say that if the idea of hurting children or animals disgusts you at your core… then watch Pet Sematary! It’ll make you feel queasy and truly horrify you. The movie is about some dumbass yuppies with a cat and two small children who move into a house right next to a both a road with heavy truck traffic and an old evil Indian Burial Ground that will resurrect the dead buried in it but make them EVIL. You can see where this is going, right? Starring Tasha Yar, Hermann Munster and That One Bland Actor Where You Could Swear You’ve Seen Him Before But He Actually Hasn’t Been In Anything You’ve Ever Watched. Pet Sematary is an… okay movie. There are some minor frights, but overall not that scary.


Damn. Not a good Halloween movie marathon, is it? Huh. Well, maybe one more Netflix horror movie, one to try to finally scare me. One that isn’t a lame old Universal movie or based on the works of a certain author based out of Maine.

The Fly II (1989) – It’s the sequel to The Fly. So there has to be real horror. And there is! But it’s not that scary – it’s just gross. Yup, more goo and more gore. It’s about the son of the inventor from the previous flick (directed by David Cronenberg, who passed this one up) who grows rapidly from infancy to adulthood in about five years, all inside a corporate laboratory. By the time *he* starts transforming into a mutant fly-thing, you are rooting for him because he has had to put up with a lot of shit. And yeah… sigh, there’s more tragedy (not gonna spoil it for you this time though). But the payoff is great – everyone gets their just desserts. A lot of people have knocked this movie for not being as good as the original, but that’s like slamming Star Trek III for not being as good as Star Trek II – just enjoy the film on its own terms, people. It’s a pretty good flick, although some of the gore was gratuitous. Still recommended though.


Well, that’s it. A whole lot of tragedy this Halloween, from pictures ranging from great (Carrie) to decent (The Fly II) to middling (Pet Sematary, Bride of Frankenstein) to lame (The Wolf Man).



 Happy Halloween (sob).

I Am Iron Man

Just watched Iron Man 3 last night. I missed it in the theatres when it came out because I’m no longer into seeing loud, violent movies that much anymore, but I got the chance to watch the DVD for free and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a decent enough picture. So what I would like to talk about today is film scores.

See, while Iron Man 3 was a pretty good popcorn flick with some actual intelligent themes thrown in, the music was pretty much a non-entity. I had never even heard of the guy who did the music when I glimpsed his name in the credits. And this got me to thinking that it has been a long time since I have run into a film score that was actually good, or even memorable (I think Howard Shore’s scores for the Lord of the Rings movies were the last decent batch that I’ve heard and that was what – 10 years ago?). Amongst the many faults of the new reboot Star Trek film series (and that is a whole other post that I don’t want to do because I try to be a positive person) is the music or lack thereof, and I remember feeling disappointed that the score for a film series that should contain great music was instead bland, generic and forgettable. Likewise, everyone oohed and awed over the Nolan trilogy of Batman movies and I found them entertaining enough, but the Hans Zimmer scores did nothing for me. I don’t necessarily need catchy hooks at every point in the score – that’s not what film soundtracks are necessarily for – but even the main theme was forgettable… I literally could not hum for you Zimmer’s main Batman theme (same goes for Giacchino’s Star Trek theme). If you can’t even give the main theme of your movie a memorable melody, then people, you got problems.

I think the main problem is that a lot of film composers are just that – film composers… they don’t attempt to do any music outside film music. They are also influenced by previous film composers *only*, and that is a huge problem. See, the whole thing is that the movie composers of 25+ years ago (the generation back from the current crop) is that they were directly influenced by the classical composers (and sometimes jazz and folk music of various cultures) like Wagner, Strauss, Stravinsky and so on (but mainly Wagner). I actually watched a documentary on TV a few months ago about film music and they had interviews with some of these new movie composers, and these guys were going on and on about how they were influenced so much by these other film composers (most of whom weren’t even dead yet) and they weren’t mentioning any other forms of music and I thought, “it figures… all these new scores sound like rehashed scores from twenty years ago, which in turn rehashed classical music from a hundred years ago.” So what we have today (for the most part) is composers getting music filtered through a filter of a filter.

That’s why the film scores of yesteryear are better (god, I sound like a total geezer). See, the composers actually listened to classical music and jazz and other stuff and it directly influenced how they wrote music. Yeah, their stuff is derivative but it still sounds good, dammit.

So to end this post on a positive note, I'm gonna share some of my favorite film scores and explain what they mean to me (I'm a selfish bastard).

Conan the Barbarian (1982) - My favorite film score of all time.  Yes, it is derivative of Wagner (there's something new), Orff's Carmina Burana and Richard Strauss amongst others, but you know what?  Basil Poledouris' music moves me.  I feel anger, love, joy, tragedy, triumph and even a few emotions I can't name.  I love it so much that I bought it twice.  You wouldn't expect that from a score to an eighties barbarian fantasy epic, would you?

Ben-Hur (1959) - Poledouris was also influenced by Hungarian composer Miklós Rózsa, who scored this film (in fact Rózsa was his music teacher).  And what a score!  This is another one that moves me emotionally. I get tears in my eyes when I hear the overture.  The overture!  And the Rowing Of The Galley Slaves theme has become the mental soundtrack to my menial work over the years... every time I work retail I can almost hear "Battle Speed!"

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) - Now this is Star Trek music.  Jerry Goldsmith is the greatest American film composer who ever lived.  He knew how to score a scene and give the audience an emotional and musical punch in the stomach.  TMP actually becomes a better movie because of its music.  Yeah, large swaths of it are ripped off from Daphnis et Chloé, but that's an awesome piece of music so I'm not gonna complain too much.

The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) - Old-timey goodness from Erich Wolfgang Korngold.  Korngold was also an opera composer, and it shows in his film scores.  Again, massive Wagnerian influence (detecting a theme here....).  When you hear this music you will want to leap up and wave a sword around Errol Flynn style.  Don't do it though because you will never be as cool as Errol Flynn.  The quieter bits are great too.  All-around near perfect.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) - Already covered this one in my love letter to that movie.  John Williams is an overrated composer who liberally rips from the classics (more than others, anyway) but this score is one of the greatest ever.  And my favorite moment isn't even the rousing march or the exciting action music - it's the theme for the ark itself.  Ancient, eerie, enigmatic and powerful... when I hear that theme I am transported back 3000 years into an ancient world of mystery.  It sends shivers down my spine.

Alexander Nevsky (1938) - Another movie from '38.  This one is by an actual classical composer:  Sergei Prokofiev, who basically invented the action movie score with his music for this Stalin-era Soviet propaganda pic.  The Battle On The Ice theme is awesome, and massively influenced movie scoring for years to come.  It  was actually used in the teaser trailer for Conan the Barbarian... oh yeah, I forgot to mention Prokofiev as an influence on that score earlier.  Oops.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966) - Cue Ennio Morricone.  Another classic film, another classic score.  An interesting thing about Morricone's take on the music for this classic western is in his use of the leitmotiv.  While most composers (including you-know-who) use a certain melody for different characters or ideas in a piece of dramatic music, Morricone uses the same melody but played in a different way for the three eponymous main characters, symbolizing how each alike they all are at the core and how all three are aspects of humanity in general.  Ooh, deep.


Well, that's it.  Seven scores I love.  There are more, but I'll save gushing about them for another day.

Until then....

Lazitude

Okay, here's the deal.  I originally planned an oh-so-droll movie review here, with some pithy witticisms accompanying some screen grabs, but a)I'm still feeling sluggishly lazy getting back up to speed doing this blog again and b) the nature of today's movie made it difficult to grab screenshots from.  So I'm gonna to what I normally planned to do sans screenshots!

1939

Director: Michael Curtiz

In A Nutshell

I love you!

I hate you!

I hate myself!

I'm the queen, bitch!

Elizabeth SMASH!

I love you!

I hate you!

Vincent Priiiiiiiiiiice!

I love you!

I hate you!

Sucker!

Sucker!

I love you!

I hate you!

I love you!

THWACK!

The End

Ugh.

Ugh.  After watching all those cheesy B-movies on Netflix I should have known when to quit but I just had to go and watch some more - I have effectively OD'd on bad movies.

Ugh.  I feel kinda sick.  Not gonna review them here (they were so bad that they aren't even worth reviewing... lesson: there are worse movies on this planet then those made by Roger Corman.  Much worse), I'm gonna detox by watching a good movie... I'll review it next week.

Ugh.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Ahhh, trying to get my shit together - it's been a lot of work and I still have a long way to go but I am on my way... anyways, I have missed this blog and now that summer is over I can have fun writing for it again.

So what new stuff did I watch over the summer?  Just some of the *cheesiest* stuff ever on Netflix!  That's right, I idled away my movie watchin' time in the hot months watching some really bad B-Movies, most of them by Roger Corman.

Without further ado here they are:

Not Of This Earth (1988) - This is a cheap Roger Corman-produced remake of a cheap 1950s Roger Corman movie.  The plot, about a vampiric alien sent to Earth to obtain human BLOOD, is inconsequential - I suspect that the real purpose for this film's existence is ex-porn starlet Tracy Lords, who stars as a nurse and of course gets topless in the course of what little there is of the story.  Got to get all the young males hot and horny!  Not Of This Earth is not really worth watching; it's dull, dull, dull and only exists as an excuse to see Tracy Lords in the buff (and personally she doesn't do much for me).

Galaxy Of Terror (1981) - This is less dull but is still baffling.  A spaceship goes on a rescue mission to a mysterious planet and it's crew members start getting slaughtered by their worst fears in some of the goriest (and sickest) ways possible.  Yes, this is the movie with the infamous "maggot rape" scene.  There are some interesting ideas here and the production (Corman outdid himself here) is pretty cool considering that the budget was under $1 Million, but Galaxy Of Terror just can't decide what it wants to be - is it a cheap grade B horror flick or a serious sci-fi film?  It tries to be both but doesn't really succeed.  Maybe with a better director it could have been a good film, as it is it's just an oddity.  But, hey, it does have Ray Walston, so that's cool!  Worth seeing once.

Forbidden World (1982) - This was actually a pretty decent Corman movie.  It's been accused of being an Alien rip-off, but aside from a few superficial items it's pretty much it's own thing, with a halfway clever story about a group of scientists on another planet creating a killer lifeform that (of course) tries to devour them all.  And it has a truckload of gratuitous female nudity, so there's that.  The dialogue is laughable, some of the situations are insane and sometimes it all makes no sense but Forbidden World is actually a pretty fun viewing - if you are in the mood for a movie with lots of gooey alien action and boobs, then I heartily recommend it.

Creature (1985) - Not a Roger Corman movie.  This one is sort of an Alien ripoff, but it's mildly entertaining.  Most of the actors aren't worth mentioning, except one - the great Klaus Kinski.  That's right, the insane but brilliant actor and subject of this site's own month-long Kinskifest is in this cheapo sci-fi horror flick and he's about the only reason to see it.  The FX are decent although the Creature itself is pretty lame looking.  The movie drags but is entertaining enough although I probably don't need to see it ever again.  If you are a fan of Kinski (like I am) you should probably see this once.

Well, that's it.  Four cheap horror movies available online to anyone with a Netflix account.  Now, if you'll excuse me I have to what, what's that oh my god it's ARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Fool's Out For Summer

The Pharonic Fantasy Theatre will be taking on hold for the summer while I get my shit together, get my life on track and just take a break.

Enjoy your summer.

All Godzilla Things Must Come To An End

It's the end of May, and that means the end of Godzilla MAYhem.  To tell you the truth I'm a little burned out after covering all of these Godzilla movies over the past few weeks... so today it's gonna be short and sweet, which is not that bad considering that the Seventies were probably the slightest time for the Godzilla franchise (although the Nineties might have been close but that's another story).  Without further ado,

Godzilla MAYhem

Part IV: The Seventies

This is the Superhero Phase.  No, seriously.  Godzilla morphs during the next five movies from a dangerous creature who reluctantly fights foes of humanity to a full-blown defender of mankind and the go-to guy for stopping ecological menaces and alien invasions.  Even the fighting has changed, being less bestial and more... kung fu.


Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)


This is probably the most dated Godzilla movie - actually, all of the movies of the seventies date themselves pretty badly... you can always tell exactly when these were made.  Anyway, the foe in this film is a giant monster made out of toxic sludge (this is an environmentalist film, can you tell?) and is the most disgusting enemy Godzilla has ever fought.

It's a giant, sludgy... eyegina.

This is a great movie, and everything a lover of cheesy monster movies could want.  The villainous Hedorah is genuinely creepy, the plot makes sense in a weird sort of way and it is one of the few Godzilla films after the original to depict the real, deadly consequences of having these giant monsters on the loose (it's actually a rather violent film).

This film is charming in its seventiesness:  it's really trippy, and almost artsy in a way - this is the only Godzilla movie that Yoshimitsu Banno (assistant director for The Hidden Fortress and Throne of Blood) ever directed, and it's a shame seeing as it has a lot of visual flair.

Cue Ennio Morricone.

Plus it has the "Save the Environment" theme, which Japan desperately needed in the 1970s.

...along with a backwards-flying Godzilla, apparently.

Al Gore would be proud.


Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

This is the worst Godzilla movie of the seventies and probably the worst ever made.  I don't like it so I'm not going to write that much about it.  The plot shows some promise early on but ends up being a standard alien invasion story with giant cockroaches controlling (what else) giant monsters in order to take over the world.

And it has hippies.

The biggest problem with Godzilla vs Gigan isn't that it's stupid, it's that it's dull.  Even the monster fight scenes are boring, and they're very poorly thought out.  One minute Godzilla is having his ass handed to him, the next minute he's making Gigan his bitch.

Brawwwwk!

This movie was the first to have a two-on-two monster match (Anguirus and King Ghidorah also appear), which would be repeated the next year in a movie that was equally as stupid but not as boring which brings us to


Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973)

This is a classic.  No, I'm dead serious.  Yes, it's bad, but it's a *fun* kind of bad.  Godzilla vs Megalon is unfairly maligned by Godzilla fans... c'mon at this point in the franchise, what do you expect, King Lear?

Pictured: Great Thespianism.

This movie is an entertaining romp, with an Ultraman-style robot superhero, a giant beetle god, a white dude with a 70s 'stache and a tiara, a car chase, groovy seventies music and enough stock footage to shake a stick at (this film and its predecessor are the worst offenders in this area).

Here's a game: see if you can identify the movies that all of the stock footage in this film comes from.  If you can you get a free cookie (actually no you don't).

But you do get *this*.  Okay, this is simultaneously the most
hilarious and awesome thing I have ever seen in a Godzilla movie.

Another point of trivia for Godzilla vs Megalon is that there are no women in it, making this the sole sausage-fest Godzilla movie.

Kinda suspicious if you ask me....

There would definitely be women in the next Godzilla movie though (miniskirts abound!) with


Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)

The quality goes up but that's not saying much.  Mechagodzilla makes for a more credible foe than either Gigan or Megalon (even though Gigan looks kinda cool and was the first monster opponent to make Godzilla bleed).

Speaking of blood, Jun Fukuda must have been watching Sanjuro, because Godzilla gushes geysers during his fight with his robotic doppelganger.

Also, this movie technically has a 2 on 1 monster fight but Godzilla's ally, King Caesar is pretty useless so I don't count it as one.

Pictured: shattered expectations.

Still, there's a good time to be had.  The music by Masaru Sato is jazzy and fun, the monster battles are fun enough and the acting is pretty decent for this type of movie even though none of the characters are that great.

"Hold it, or the two stereotypes get it!"

Overall, I recommend it.


Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)

Not only is this a direct sequel to the previous film, it's superior to it as well.  And it's no wonder, considering that the director for this final movie in the original series of Godzilla films is none other than Ishiro Honda.  Don't get me wrong, Jun Fukuda isn't a bad director, but outside of his sixties efforts none of his films come close to the artistry of Honda's (although this also has something to do with Toho slashing the budgets of the films as time went on).

I really love this film, although I admit it has some major flaws.  There are some huge plotholes - why did those aliens come out of nowhere to help Katsura when she had her initial accident and how did they know it would happen?

More importantly, why does Katsuita - ur, I mean, Katsura wear that outfit?

Why was Dr. Mafune discredited, nay, savagely beaten by his fellow scientists for suggesting that a dinosaur could still be alive when Godzilla, Rodan and the like had been tromping around on the Earth at that point?

Brings new meaning to the term "nerd rage", doesn't it?

Oh, well.  Even if there are major plotholes and the story is pretty standard (this is pretty good Honda but not Honda at the top of his game) except for the pathos from the female lead, what this movie lacks in substance it more than makes up for in style.

Pictured: style.

Godzilla looks better than he has in a long time.  Mechagodzilla looks as menacing as ever.

Fear the deadly RAINBOW BEAMS!

Titanosaurus (did I mention that this is another 2 vs. 1 fight, but slanted *against* Godzilla?) looks great.  For the first time in a long time the monsters actually look like they have size and mass.

The fight scenes are awesome.  Overall this is a great way to end a franchise...


...at least until 1984, when Godzilla would return as a bad guy again in the re-booted Return of Godzilla.

But that is a story for another time.  Wow, I ended writing more than I said I was going to.  I guess when we're talking about Godzilla, "short" and "sweet" don't apply, even in the nineteen hundred and seventies.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed Godzilla MAYhem... maybe this will inspire a few people to go watch some good old Godzilla movies.  The Big G definitely needs more love nowadays... I remember loving his movies when I was a kid (still do) but I haven't met any children today that have watched these and know how to appreciate them.  It's depressing in a way... there's almost no sense of wonder of real fun in entertainment aimed at young people.  Well, maybe if all the dedicated kaijuphiles work together we can turn the kiddies onto Godzilla again... or maybe the American Godzilla movie slated for 2014 can help, but I doubt it.



Sayonara.

The Agony And The Ecstasy

The second half of the 1960s not only saw Godzilla continue his metamorphosis from a terrible monster into a (somewhat) heroic figure but a change of the film series itself from one that both younger and older viewers could enjoy to one meant purely as entertainment for children. It also saw the first shift away from the old triumvirate of Honda/Tsuburaya/Ifukube, as a new director would take the helm of the first two movies of the period and not only use the musical stylings of Masaru Sato (who had scored Godzilla Raids Again) but a tropical South Seas Island location for both of his Godzilla efforts. The second two would see the return of Honda in a last bid to recapture the glory years of Godzilla and a straight-up kiddie movie, respectively. Here now is

Godzilla MAYhem

Part III: The Late Sixties

Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966)

This is a fun movie. Director Jun Fukuda basically gives us a James Bond-style movie, with bank robbers cum anti-heroes, SPECTRE-style villains, enslaved islanders and nubile island girls – oh, along with a giant radioactive dinosaur and the title crustacean duking it out in the climax. If that doesn’t make you want to see this movie then I can’t do anything for you.

"Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance."

All you can eat.

I've always wondered what Godzilla looks like drunk....

Oh, yeah, this movie has Mothra in it -
because you can never get enough Mothra.

"In nomine Mothra, Lepidoptera Sancta, amen."

Wow, she looks pretty immaculate for someone with no access
to modern medicine or beauty products....

When it comes down to it, this is what you came to this movie to see.

Son of Godzilla (1967)

Here I have a bit of a conundrum. See, objectively I know that this one isn’t as good as the last and in fact feels really close to it superficially (island location, nubile island girl, giant bugs), and the titular spawn of the King of the Monsters makes me want to gag and throw something at my monitor… plus Godzilla himself looks really awful, with the worst Godzilla suit ever used on any of these films. But on the other hand this was the first Godzilla movie I ever saw and it’s still a sentimental favorite. Plus it’s not that bad, with good puppet work on the giant creepy-crawlies, a neat weather-experiment plot, genuine excitement, a scary giant spider (is there any other kind?) and an awesome score by Masaru Sato.

I've always wondered what Godzilla looks like stoned....

"Look, Dr. Thompson, that giant radioactive lizard looks baked."

Okay, it's ugly, but I can deal with-

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Bugs!

This is about one frame away from turning into a domestic violence call.

Quiz time: what is more terrifying than giant bugs?

Destroy All Monsters (1968)

Godzilla fans love this one – I don’t think it’s that hot. Oh sure, it brings together all of the Toho movie monsters (thus the title) but the plot is a basic retread of Invasion of Astro-Monster (aliens control the giant monsters to take over the Earth!) with the same plot holes (*why* do the aliens need the monsters if they’re so advanced?), plus some new ones (why is Mothra confined to Monster Land? Did the Infant Islanders not want her as their goddess anymore? Where are her fairies?), but without the charm. It’s rather dull, actually, showing that Toho and Honda had basically run out of ideas by 1968. I like Ishiro Honda’s stuff but by the late Sixties he was spent creatively – he would have only one more burst of glory in the 1970s before retiring from directing (but we’ll get to that next time). This movie is watchable enough, I guess, but not spectacular – watch it to see the monster round-up but expect a minor let-down.

Okay, who's been microwaving cabbage in the break room again?

Hey, no copping a feel, buddy!

THAT'S how you destroy New York, Tri-Star!

It's the 1960s and it's not Star Trek, so all of the spaceships are
either flying saucers or rockets with butane lighters.

Poor Mothra's hanging in the back, feeling all dejected.

"Thank God.  We almost missed tonight's episode of Abarembo Shogun."

This is simultaneously the most hilarious and most awesome thing
I have ever seen in a Godzilla movie.

All Monsters Attack (1969)

This one is unfairly dumped on by Godzilla fans. What they fail to realize is that it’s a bona fide children’s film, and adults were never the target audience. Kudos to Ishiro Honda, I guess, for wanting to do something different after the previous movie, even if about half the movie is stock footage. But even that is forgivable – remember, in 1969 there was no home video and movies didn’t even come on TV that much, so the youngsters of the time period (especially those too young to have seen earlier Godzilla movies) probably relished the chance to see Godzilla’s Greatest Hits on the big screen. And the main human story, about Japanese latchkey kids and their domestic problems with their absent parents is relevant and touching, even if it gives kids a bad message in the end (impress the bullies by doing bad stuff so you can be popular!). The other interesting thing about All Monsters Attack is that it may be the only Godzilla film where Godzilla isn’t real – taking place in the “real world” as it were. In the end, it isn’t a great film or even a good one but a decent enough flick for young children… just remember to cut it some slack the next time you watch it. Even if you want to strangle that singer at the beginning.

Okay, what is it with the Japanese putting their kids in short-shorts?

...aaand, apparently Japan has Jewish people.

"So, like, who would win in a fight?  Lisa Gerrard or Elizabeth Fraser?"

Cue Ah-nold: "You are one ah-gly mathafuckah!"

Yeah, I know, kid.  If I were standing next to that I would have
that expression on my face too.

Do it again!  Do it again!

Japanese people in white-face!  Progress!

Well, that’s the end of the Sixties. Next time, things get really weird with the advent of the Seventies and the complete slide of the Godzilla film series into total bizarre, but fun garbage.