Halloween again… time for more horror movies! Or “horror” movies as the case may be for some of the films reviewed this year… and they are all from Netflix this time (no pictures for you) ‘cause, hey, why not?
First we have two old “classic” Universal monster movies:
Bride of Frankenstein (1935) – A sequel to a movie that didn’t need a sequel. Dr. Frankenstein is blackmailed by his crazy former prof and his sad-sack creation into making a lady monster. It doesn’t end well, as you can imagine. Okay, this isn’t a horror film. It isn’t scary, it’s just tragic in an existential kind of way. Watching this is like watching an old Wile. E. Coyote cartoon. The Monster can’t catch a fuckin’ break, man, he can’t catch a fuckin’ break. Seriously, your heart will go out to this guy and you’ll want to reach through the screen and punch people for picking on him. Yeah, I wonder why he keeps killing people when you treat him like crap? Frustrating but not frightening.
The Wolf Man (1941) – Larry the Peeping Tom comes home to the UK after years spent in America (i.e. convenient excuse for his accent - riiiiiight) and gets bitten by a werewolf and you can guess the rest. This film is not scary at all… actually it’s pretty lame and kinda boring. Lon Chaney Jr. can’t act, but Claude Rains can and gives the best performance in the damn picture, especially when he has to kill his own son (yeah, I spoiled it for you. Deal with it). That is the only genuinely moving moment in the entire movie by the way. You can safely skip this one.
Well, for two “classic” horror films those weren’t scary at all, were they? Okay, well now how about two films adapted from Stephen King, an author known for SHEER TERROR?
Carrie (1976) – Oh, godammit, another straight-up tragedy. The only thing scary in this movie (and I ain’t even gonna recount the plot because everyone in America should know it by now) is Carrie’s mom – people like this exist – and how the system fails Carrie. Yeah, she goes on her telekinetic rampage at the end and it’s kind of satisfying seeing her dish out punishment to her tormentors, but in her fury she kills her benefactors too, and that is incredibly tragic. So to sum up, this movie is a tragedy. No real frights here. No wait. There’s the famous jump scare at the end. That startled me right out of my seat, and I knew it was coming. Brilliant.
Pet Sematary (1989) – This one actually has some horror, but it’s also very tragic (I’m sensing a theme today). Let me just say that if the idea of hurting children or animals disgusts you at your core… then watch Pet Sematary! It’ll make you feel queasy and truly horrify you. The movie is about some dumbass yuppies with a cat and two small children who move into a house right next to a both a road with heavy truck traffic and an old evil Indian Burial Ground that will resurrect the dead buried in it but make them EVIL. You can see where this is going, right? Starring Tasha Yar, Hermann Munster and That One Bland Actor Where You Could Swear You’ve Seen Him Before But He Actually Hasn’t Been In Anything You’ve Ever Watched. Pet Sematary is an… okay movie. There are some minor frights, but overall not that scary.
Damn. Not a good Halloween movie marathon, is it? Huh. Well, maybe one more Netflix horror movie, one to try to finally scare me. One that isn’t a lame old Universal movie or based on the works of a certain author based out of Maine.
The Fly II (1989) – It’s the sequel to The Fly. So there has to be real horror. And there is! But it’s not that scary – it’s just gross. Yup, more goo and more gore. It’s about the son of the inventor from the previous flick (directed by David Cronenberg, who passed this one up) who grows rapidly from infancy to adulthood in about five years, all inside a corporate laboratory. By the time *he* starts transforming into a mutant fly-thing, you are rooting for him because he has had to put up with a lot of shit. And yeah… sigh, there’s more tragedy (not gonna spoil it for you this time though). But the payoff is great – everyone gets their just desserts. A lot of people have knocked this movie for not being as good as the original, but that’s like slamming Star Trek III for not being as good as Star Trek II – just enjoy the film on its own terms, people. It’s a pretty good flick, although some of the gore was gratuitous. Still recommended though.
Well, that’s it. A whole lot of tragedy this Halloween, from pictures ranging from great (Carrie) to decent (The Fly II) to middling (Pet Sematary, Bride of Frankenstein) to lame (The Wolf Man).
Happy Halloween (sob).
