The Great German Vampire Films Complete Review Project ––– Part Two of Two

Halloween's a' comin' up, and I'm celebrating the occasion by posting up a lazy photo review of the original silent Nosferatu.  Yep, I finally got around to seeing the F.W. Murnau classic... more than a year after reviewing the Werner Herzog remake.  Oh well, better late than never.  Can't dally long (more horror movies to watch) so sit back, relax and enjoy as I bring you

Huh.  This one starts out just like the Herzog remake - KITTY!

You will see this smile in your nightmares tonight...

and this creep is the hero.

"Is your wife a goer, know what I mean?"

"She sometimes goes, yes."

 Count Orlock: He lives in the night, feeds on the blood of the living... 

and is capable of splitting an arrow in twain with his own gray goose shaft.

Man, those schnitzengruben will wipe you out.

"Hello, this is your 6am Evil Undead Alarm Call!  Up and at 'em!"

Count Orlock: vampire, feudal lord, package deliveryman.

Oh, it's one of those marriages.

"Our minds are joining, Ellen... they are becoming one and the same...."

"What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and... oh, shit."

Tomorrow: More Halloweeny Goodness.

Let's Get Patriotastic!

Today, to celebrate the United States and the anniversary of the independence of our great nation, I’m going to look at a movie celebrating the German people and one of Germany’s greatest mythological heroes. And I’m going to do it all through pictures, because I’m full of barbecue right now and feeling very lazy. So today you’re not going to get some long winded review from me or some over-the-top pseudo academic analysis – told you last time I’d do something different. Without further ado here’s Fritz Lang’s

 

We start out with a pretty rainbow.  Enjoy it; it gets more sordid from here.

Our "hero," Siegfried.

"Hey man, what's up-"

"-Ow! Oh my God! Why did you do that to me?!!"

"Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in...."

  

"So it's agreed:  the involuntary marriage of your sister in exchange for the 

sexual slavery of a woman I've never even met."  Our heroes, everybody!

Hagen: Clearly, not an evil character.

Nice house.

Haha, I love Brunhild's fashion sense.  Actually, I think she is kinda cute.

 "What did you say about my man?!" 

This is about 30 seconds away from devolving into a medieval episode of COPS.

 "Kriemhild, can I trust you to keep a secret?"

"No."

"Wow, I did not see that one coming."

Kriemhild: from vapid, air-headed bimbo to stone-cold, murdering bitch in two hours.

The Nibelung treasure is sleeping with the fishes.

Attila the Hun, ready for some... wheat harvesting?

"Now isn't this nice, Germans and Huns sitting around for a nice dinner together-"

FIGHT FIGHT KILL KILL DEATH DEATH

"Okay, if any of you sons-of-bitches asks for 'Freebird' one more time...."

"Wow, bitch is crazy."

 And everyone died a horrible death in a bloody rampage of misplaced pride and revenge, 

making everyone's life completely pointless and void.  

THE END.

…Wow, that was a “celebration” that was “dedicated” to the German People? With all of the indiscriminate violence and assholery by the murdering, rapist "hero" Siegfried and the cold-hearted murdering bitchery of the "heroine" Kriemhild – not to mention the pig-headed, “honor before reason” attitude of the Germans in general – you’d think that Lang was being sarcastic and basically tearing German society and tradition a new one… wait a minute….



Happy 235th Birthday, America!