Bow Chicka Wow Wow

This week on Shakespeartember, we look at an effort from the foremost cinematic Shakespeare interpreter since Laurence Olivier.  And since I reviewed a historic tragedy last time, let's switch gears a bit today and do a comedy.  Without further ado...

Film, 1993

Director: Kenneth Branagh

Story

Much apparently is made about nothing.  Whilst everyone in Messina, Italy conspires to bring the eternally warring Beatrice and Benedick together, the evil Iago-lite, um, I mean Don John conspires to split asunder newly engaged Hero and Claudio.  Why?  Because he's named after a portable toilet, I guess.  Because this is a Shakespeare comedy, everything turns out all right in the end and no one dies a tragic, bloody death.

Review

Kenneth Branagh is an innovate, inventive director and actor of Shakespeare.  Shortly after establishing the opening shot of Messina, thus giving the audience some scenery porn

Branagh proceeds to give us some actual porn

as Emma Thompson and Kate Beckinsale start fondling each other in the shower.  Lesbian debauchery follows, and Branagh ups the stakes by supplying both a scene of Robert Sean Leonard being violated from behind

and Keanu Reeves' Don John receiving a homoerotic massage.

But Branagh doesn't stop there.  He then shows his artistic bravery and insight by showing a full-blown orgy, giving us a vision of Shakespeare that will prove both provocative and timeless.

Nah, just kidding.  Branagh doesn't really give us a porno version of Much Ado About Nothing, although that would be... interesting (especially considering that the word "nothing" was slang in Shakespeare's day for women's genitals).

The only reason I did this review this way was because I really have nothing to say about the film and needed to fill up space.  Nothing is great and you should see it.  I saw this movie about fifteen years ago in Eighth Grade English class and loved it then, and I love it now.  It overflows with life and color and joy and mirth.  It has good acting, good photography and it's just a really good way to spend two hours of your time.

See it.

The only thing I can really think of that keeps it from being perfect is the inclusion of Keanu Reeves ("And verily, I doth say unto thee: whoa") as the villain, although thankfully he doesn't get much screen time.

Oh, and I could have done without the creepy masks being suddenly shoved into my face during the party scene.

Aaaaagghhhh!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH!!!!!!

I'm Back, Bitches

After three months of straight applying and interviewing with no time for anything else – including this blog – I am out of my crappy retail job. I could go on about how shitty my last job was and how much I wanted to murder the management (and some of the customers), etc. but that’s not what this blog is for. Let me just say this and then we will never speak of the subject again: I worked for a chain bookstore and I fully predict that *all* of the physical retail bookstores will go the way of Borders by 2015. They cannot for the life of them figure out how to compete with Amazon and just plod along, hoping to do the same thing that is not working anymore over and over again until they magically succeed (isn’t that the definition of stupidity?) and then punish their minimum-wage employees when their half-brained schemes to make money do nothing.

Anywho, enough about that.  I’m SO glad to be out my old shithole of a retail job (new office job – 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, yay!) that I’m booting up this blog again like I promised last post (when I knew that I was getting my next job). And in celebration I’m ALSO deciding to give this month a theme, AND I’m going to try to post once a week, just like the good old days! And in TRIPLE celebration I’m going to post a review for a movie from Charlton Heston, the Patron Saint of this site!

Verily, thy ask, what doth be mine own blog’s theme o’ th’ month? Why, ‘tis the beloved bard who bringeth drama most rich and language most bonny and fair, loved by all except the teenaged students of our fair tongue in the schools public. Yep, I’m talking about Shakespeare, and no, I’m not going to conduct the entire review like that. This month is Shakespeare September, and we’ll be looking at some movie adaptations of some of the Bard’s plays. And to kick off Shakespearetember we’ll look, as promised, at a movie from everyone’s favorite gun-totin’ monkey punchin’ man’s man as he dons a toga, yells at a lot of people and gropes a lot of boob in 

Film, 1972 

Director: Charlton Heston(!) 

Story 

Mark Antony (guess who?) waffles back and forth between his duty to Rome and his lust, er, love for Egyptian Queen Cleopatra (Hildegard Neil). He yells at a lot of people, acts like a douche and fucks up his life over the course of two-and-a-half hours, then kills himself. Cleopatra acts whiny, crazy and vain for two-and-a-half hours, then kills herself. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not spoiling anything; go pick up a history textbook. And on an anticipatory note: I’m not going to worry about spoiling any other Shakespeare plays this month either, because they have been around for four hundred-plus years and you should know all this already.

Review 

I wasn’t lying when I said that this adaptation of a Shakespeare play was from Charlton Heston, was I? Not only did he star in it, he directed it – and adapted it as well. You know what that means, kiddies.

Charlton Heston Ego Alert!

This movie was Heston’s directorial debut, too (and he only directed two minor movies after this one). Surprisingly it actually holds together as a film and doesn’t fly apart at the seams (although it does drag a little at times). There are a few weird moments though, such as when Antony and Octavian make their truce near the beginning of the story. Heston sets it in a mini Gladiator ampitheatre, and the characters have their dialogue while a pair of duelists put on a private performance. Heston shows the two gladiators trying to kill each other while flashing almost subliminal images of Octavian against a black background. It’s very weird and very clumsy. It’s almost like Heston is saying, “This is what directors do, right? Look, people, I’m directing! I’m being artsy!” Then there’s the image of the fat, sweaty hortator in the galley beating the drums and looking completely dead and soulless that will creep you the fuck out. The writer/actor/director (“Look at me! I’m Laurence Olivier!”) also makes some odd choices when adapting and trimming the play (which you have to do, otherwise you are looking at a four hour plus movie). The oddest choice for me was retaining the character of Iras (a servant of Cleopatra) but only letting her keep about two lines from the play. This also has unfortunate implications as the role is played by the only black performer who’s not an extra in the movie. I guess Heston just wanted her around to show her naked butt (because you know how Chuck loves the sistahs).

Whoa, whoa, we're not filming that kind of movie, Chuck!

Speaking of which, Heston takes the opportunity as Boss Of The Show to indulge in copping as many feels as he can, and not just with the actress playing the other half of the title. Seriously, check this out:

It's good to be the king.

Also, I (and a lot of other people) have noticed that about 75% of the sea battle footage is taken from Cleopatra and Ben-Hur. You can see the ships change from shot to shot. Speaking of Ben-Hur: while watching these scenes I almost expected to see Heston playing Mark Antony up on the top deck then see him rowing down below. Hell, why stop there? We can have a ship crewed with nothing but Charlton Hestons. Actually I would pay money to see that.

The acting in this movie is a mixed bag. Hildegard Neil is adequate if not great as Cleopatra. She gets the petulance and back-stabbery down but ultimately fails to make Cleopatra a sympathetic character (although whether she is supposed to be one in the first place or not is debatable). Oh, speaking of petulance, looking at IMDb, I see that Ms. Neil is married to Brian Blessed, which makes this scene utterly hilarious:

"I LIKE NOT THIS NEWS!  BRING ME SOME OTHER NEWS!"

Heston is typical Heston: doing a good job at ACTING! But reminding you that it is Charlton Heston acting all of the time instead of simply being the character. Actually, Heston seems to want to make Antony an even more unsympathetic character than he is in the play. For example, in the play, Antony has an emissary from Octavian whipped, which is both a breach of diplomatic protocol and an assholish thing to do, even if you are mad at the dude. In the movie, Heston’s Antony beats the guy up a little beforehand – and afterwards too.  Oh, and then he smacks Cleopatra for good measure.

What a dickweed.

The best performances in this movie are from the supporting players. My favorite acting job in this film is from Roger Delgado as the soothsayer. Quietly intense, wise, soft-spoken and spooky, Delgado gives the best performance in the show. But what else do you expect from the Master?

"You will obey me."

Speaking of Doctor Who, Julian Glover is also in this (he’s actually the first character you see on screen) and he is also very good. The other players are great as well, including John Castle as Octavian and Freddie Jones as Pompey.


The thing I liked the most about this movie was the epic-ness of it, the scenery with all of the locations and the sets. The original play Antony and Cleopatra is supposed to be grandiose; there lots of scene changes and some of the scenes only have about three lines of dialogue in them. One has to wonder how they were performed back in the day with the pace of the thing. It’s very appropriate for this play that Heston went the epic route and chose to shoot Antony and Cleopatra as an epic film (even if he does splice in the aforementioned battle footage).

In the end though Antony and Cleopatra is just a middling effort: while the scenery and some of the acting is great, the leads are just not that engaging or believable – I had a hard time believing that this was one of the greatest pairs of lovers in history and not just a pair of squabbling, backstabbing politicians who were just in it together for the sex and power. If Heston had ceded the directing duties to someone better and more experienced this could have been a truly great film. While I do recommend seeing it once for the aforementioned qualities, I think that only the dedicated Shakespeare or Charlton Heston lover needs to have it in their video library.

A Note On The DVD: The DVD of Antony and Cleopatra has the worst audio of any legitimate commercial DVD I have ever heard. There is a very loud hiss present in the movie from beginning to end, and some of the dialogue is very hard to make out – you may want to turn on the subtitles for this one. Also, on a side note I found it odd that there are no production company logos or credits at the beginning of the movie – it’s just straight into the title. This isn’t a bad thing but it makes the whole thing look like one of those old public domain VHS tapes that I would get as a kid, which actually kind of amuses me.


Next Week:  Shakespearetember continues.

I'm Not Ready To Go On The Cart

Not dead, update coming soon – I promise.

NB - Listening to the Liebestod from Tristan und Isolde while posting this – awesome.

Let's Get Dainty and Delicate

It's July 4th once again, and what better way to celebrate American Independence Day than by celebrating a film celebrating the holiest, noblest and most beloved people on Earth - I am of course referring to the Vikings.  So here is the greatest film ever about the greatest people to ever walk the greatest of worlds.

Sit back, relax and enjoy

Is that like the Wrath of Khan?

Vikings don't like the circus.

Translation from Latin ceremony:
"Marinate King in oil, cook at 425 for an hour...."

No snark, this is just one of the most awesome movie shots of all time.
The Viking ship is real.

"Spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...."

Prepare for the most awesome horn solo ever.

Tony Curtis as The Beastmaster!

Never put hawk in your eye.

"So, Eric, what is best in life?"

Man, Viking keggers rule!

"Man, Viking keggers suck!"

The Chin and The Eyes square off.

"So, Ragnar, how have you managed to live this long and healthy as a Viking chieftan?"
"I masturbate a lot."

Eric gooses the princess and creates the backless look all in one.

And Jamie Lee Curtis was born nine months later.

"For bringing Ragnar to me I grant thee pants!"

Whoah, Janet, babe, wrong movie!

"You are coming home with me this instant, young lady!"
"Aww, daaaaaad!"

"Whoever approaches the bridge of death must answer me these
questions three...."

The Vikings knew how to throw a barbecue.

Wasn't that fun?   And I didn't even show some of the most exciting or dramatic bits (thought I'd leave 'em for you to discover) like the ending battle scene.  Well, everybody enjoy your Fourth (unless you're, you know, British or something).  Eat a lot of barbecue, drink some beer and pillage some English villages.

Place Holder

It's been a long time since I've posted, job sucks, blah blah blah, you know the drill.  Here's a picture of Coked Up Anime Hitler™ to keep you company until my fairly lengthy post comin' up.

Woot

I turn 30 today. I am still stuck in a dead end retail job. My life is definitely still not where I want it to be. I have worked to try to change that but I haven’t had much luck. Well, at least I still have this blog, right? Well, yes and no. You see, I am usually so mentally drained at the end of my work shift every day that I can’t summon enough energy to think, let alone make a coherent blog post. I’m not going to bitch about my life for the rest of this blog post however, I’m gonna talk about movies. ‘Cause that’s what this blog was set up for.

So what am I gonna do for my birthday blog post? Well, at first I thought I might review a movie that came out the same day that I did – April 30th, 1982 (my birthday was on a Friday). But the only film I could find was a crappy comedy movie starring John Hurt called Partners. However, not only is this movie considered an execrable piece of garbage (not even in the good MST3K kind of way) by most who have viewed it, it’s not available on DVD and is really hard to find even on VHS. So I nixed that idea.

 Then I thought I could do a movie comparison between two cop movies that I saw for the first time recently – Dirty Harry (1971) and Beverly Hills Cop (1984). You, know, compare/contrast, analysis, talk about which one I liked better (Dirty Harry)… the usual. But you know what? I realized something while watching both. On the surface, Dirty Harry is a more realistic gritty thriller while Beverly Hills Cop is a less realistic comedy/action movie.

Although I do see how it may be difficult to see a difference.

But at their core, these two movies are the same – they are both fantasy films. Fantasy films do not have to involve magic or the supernatural or even anything recognizably “fantastic.” They are exactly what their title suggests – a fantasy being played out on the screen for the benefit of the audience. James Bond movies are fantasy movies because the males in the audience get to watch their fantasies being reenacted – fast cars, scantily clad babes with ridiculous names, fighting sharks, or what have you (personally, I have always had this weird desire to fight a huge Asian man with a killer steel-rimmed hat). Romantic Comedies are almost tailor-made for the female audience members. And Harry and BHC are also fantasy movies – they are Cop Fantasy Movies.


Dirty Harry may seem more “gritty” and “realistic” on the surface, what with all of the brutal violence and a sadistic serial killer and whatnought, but there are still shootouts! And Harry gets to jump onto a bus from a bridge! And give snappy one-liners!

"Freeze or I'll shoot you!  No... not cool enough.  Okay, how about...."

You see, if they made a movie about what it’s really like to track down a serial killer, it would probably be too boring for a general audience – it would probably resemble a "Frontline" documentary. Too much investigative work, too much questioning followed by a brief shootout and apprehension. So this Clint Eastwood movie is really a (mostly right-wing) fantasy for all of the male audience members who want to gun down psychopathic killers and play cowboy cop. Now that’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy the film (I did) or that there is some real drama (the whole fair process/criminal’s rights thing that could have been expanded on). It’s just at the end of the day I have to call a spade and spade and recognize this movie for what it is.

Which is a charming movie about a  heartwarming school field trip.

Beverly Hills Cop is much more blatant. In American cinema by 1984 all of the relative subtlety and nuance of the seventies had been replaced with over-the-top and completely nonrealistic antics. Look, I know that BHC is supposed to be comedy, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be a cartoon. The police chief YELLS at Axel (yelling in cop movies always makes it more DRAMATIC!)! Axel is THROWN through a window!

Thown through modern Plexiglass... that's a good trick!

Axel SMASHES UP a rich-person buffet! And gets away with it! It’s all very cartoony and very unrealistic. Any police officer acting like Eddie Murphy does in this movie would be an ex-police officer after about 3 seconds. Being a comedy is no excuse… there are police comedies that are funny while having their characters not be completely and unrealistically “maverick” – the Rowan Atkinson TV show “The Thin Blue Line” comes to mind.

And you know what else I realized? Almost ALL movies are fantasy films of some sort. Very few are focused on real drama. I figure it this way – if you are watching a movie and are attaining some form of wish fulfillment then what you are watching is a fantasy. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t think that every film needs to be a heavy drama, or a straight-up comedy. It’s just that I think people need to be more honest and accurate with their labels. For example, I am probably going to see The Avengers when it comes out, and I have no illusions about what it is. It is a fantasy film.

Oh, and the verdict on Dirty Harry and Beverly Hills Cop? I liked Dirty Harry although I thought it could have used some more ideological balance. It does pose some interesting questions about law enforcement and civil rights although (like I said) the emphasis is more on Harry’s attempts to catch the obviously EEEEVIL Scorpio. Beverly Hills Cop is two shades shy of a cartoon (like most Hollywood movies of the Eighties)

I.e., any movie where it's this obvious who the villain is.

but it’s not even that good, or even that funny. If you want a funny Eddie Murphy movie get Trading Places or Coming to America, or even Shrek.




P.S. I see that Google has "updated" Blogger - I guess now I really *do* have to post more....

Anti-Climax

I know I haven't written anything in a while but please enjoy this picture of Yul Brynner preparing to rape your soul into a thousand pieces.