Spoiled Beefcake

I figured after watching Hercules In The Center Of The Earth that I would want some more Greek mythology action, so on a whim I picked up a cheap $2.95 copy of the 2000 miniseries Jason and the Argonauts at a thrift store - a title I had never seen before.  Well, I'm glad I only paid 2.95 for it, I couldn't imagine paying full-boat MSRP back in the day, because this thing sucks.

I'm not going to spend much time on this.  First, the good (there is actually some): Frank Langella and Derek Jacobi are decent.  The guy doing Hercules is almost okay.  I like the fact that Atalanta is in it (she is in some versions of the original myth).  I like that a *few* things are closer to the original myths compared to the 1963 Harryhausen movie.  Speaking of which, I like the fact that this version actually has an ending; the '63 version kinda leaves you hanging.

Now to the bad.  The acting, with the previous exceptions, is atrociously awful.  Keep in mind that the '63 version does not have the world's greatest thespianism, but the 2000 miniseries makes that one look like Shakespeare in comparison.  Jason is wimpy.  Medea is just creepy.  Pelias (played by Dennis Hopper) is absolutely execrable.  The minor roles are mediocre at best.  The direction is cheesy.  The music is lazy and just plays the same stupid theme over and over again (definitely nowhere near Bernard Hermann's Jason score). The story itself is drawn-out, and while a few things are true to the myths, other things just seemed to be pulled out of the writers' asses.  The part about Hercules being a servant of Hera is the worst offender - in the original myths, she is his mortal enemy continually plaguing him with woe and misfortune.  Look, I know that some shows or movies take a lot of liberties with the source material, but at least I know that Hercules: The Legendary Journeys or Disney's Hercules are total bullshit because they toss almost everything established out from the word go and don't even pretend to be accurate.  They can actually be entertaining as a result.  The problem with Jason 2000 is that it wants to have it both ways and thus can't decide what it wants to be.  You can argue that the '63 classic isn't all that accurate either but a) it's  still more accurate than the '00 version and b) it has a sense of wonder... and the MOST AWESOME SKELETON FIGHT EVER COMMITTED TO CELLULOID.  The bottom line is that this version is not really worth seeing, just see the 1963 classic; it has its flaws but it is miles better.  You know the drill about pictures.

Love Stinks

Well, I said I'd give you beefcake, So I'm givin' you beefcake.  This one's for the laaaaadies (and some of you guys).  To conclude my reverse-chronology Mario Bava trio you get some *beefcake*

1961

Director: Mario Bava

It's funny, Mario Bava is usually associated solely with straight-up horror films and some would be surprised to see him directing a sword-and-sandals movie but Bava is actually perfect as the director for this for a few reasons: 1)he's just that awesome and he actually could do different genres, see Danger: Diabolik and Erik The Conqueror, 2)he had directed segments of and did the cinematography for the 1955 Kirk Douglas movie Ulysses and most importantly 3) he had done the cinematography for the two Steve Reeves Hercules movies.  So I guess he basically just graduated to director for this Hercules effort.

And what an effort it is!  This one blends the traditional Hercules swords-and-sandals stuff with horror and surrealism to make a great film, my personal favorite of all of Bava's movies.  The story is simple but not stupid - Hercules and Theseus along with their friend/comic relief Telemachus (?) go to Hades to retrieve a flower that can cure a curse put on Hercules' girlfriend Deianira by the eeeeevil King Lico.

Well, less cursed and more stoned.

While there Theseus foolishly falls for and absconds with Hades' daughter Meiazotide (who interestingly enough in the English language version is called Persephone, who was Hades' wife, not daughter), thus causing a Curse Upon The Land once the adventurers reach the land of the living.  Can Hercules persuade his hormonal buddy to give up his girl for the sake of the kingdom?  Can he defeat the evil and necrotic Lico and put an end to his reign of terror?  Will he throw yet another giant rock?  Watch and find out!

"Don't worry, Herc! I'm sure that Deianira totally WON'T get jealous and put
centaur blood on your clothes, causing you to die a miserable, agonizing death!"
"Wait, what?"

This movie is gorgeous - Bava's mastery of color is on full display, which is notable seeing as how this is the first color film he directed.  Yeah the sets look like sets but they ain't half bad.  The rock monster threatening Theseus and Telemachus is goofy looking and obviously fake but still has some menace.

The surreal imagery is what really makes this movie - this is unlike any Hercules film before or since, with an atmosphere that sometimes borders on an art film.

The acting is okay.  Reg Park as Hercules doesn't have the raw charisma of Steve Reeves, but does well enough.  He does sometimes come off as more friendly and lunkheaded than intense and conflicted (as Reeves usually was) but this is not completely out of character.

Christopher Lee of course does an excellent job playing the villain, which is an accomplishment considering that you never hear his voice - in both the Italian *and* English dubs he is voiced by someone else (so is Park, actually).  It is a testament to the recently departed Mr. Lee that he can still give a convincing portrayal even when voiced by another, using his face and body.

"No, I am totally NOT an evil... oh, who the fuck am I kidding?
I'm muthafuckin' Christopher Lee."

Speaking of convincing portrayals, this movie is one of the power of love, for both good and evil.  Hercules' love of his longtime sweetie Deianira inspires him to go all the way to the underworld and perform great deeds, while Theseus rashly endangers everyone by refusing to give up a girl he met and became infatuated with about twenty minutes ago.  Theseus is quick and passionate with his emotions, while Hercules is a little more stoic and oh shit I'm starting to go into Star Trek crap so I'm gonna stop now.

A literal roll in the hay.

Suffice to say the main theme of the movie is this: love is an awesome thing as long as it's gradual and genuine, not some instant infatuation.  Also, for the love of the gods, if there is a plague on the land and the only way to stop is to give up the pussy, just give up the pussy.

Also, never trust a naked woman! (see also: The Shining)

But this isn't just film student fodder - it's also the most fun Bava movie I have seen outside of the aforementioned Danger: Diabolik.  Cheesy rock monsters, hellish polenta pits and a demigod squashing zombies with Stonehenge rocks makes for an awesome experience, folks.  Actually if you want to have an interesting time, try this little drinking game: every time Herc throws a rock at something or someone, take a drink (make it two drinks for a non-lithic object).  By the end of the movie you will be drunk off your ass, 'cause there is a lot of rock chuckin' to be had in Hercules In The Center Of The Earth.

Maybe that's the real theme of this movie: whenever life serves you lemons, chuck a giant rock at it.

'Til next time!

Now There's Something You Don't See Everyday....

It's funny when you are finally able to fulfill a childhood desire after you grow up, even the (in the grand scheme of things) small ones.  As a child, my favorite-ist movie in the whole world was Ghostbusters.  It's still one of my favorites, actually, and when I heard that it was back in theatres for Labor Day weekend I nearly had a heart attack.  Of course I went and saw it.

And you know what?

It's still awesome.  In some ways even more so.  You'd think that seeing a movie hundreds of times on home video ever since you were a kid would lessen the impact of subsequently watching that movie on the big screen but nope.  On the big screen the film has an even bigger impact - I can understand now how some film snobs would consider home viewing a dumbing down of cinema as an art form... although I doubt that film snobs would consider Ghostbusters art.  Although I would hope that they would agree that it is awesome (in both the literal and slang senses of the word).

Speaking of awesome:  I just wish my dates went like this...

...never mind, no I don't.

I was even surprised while watching this Lovecraftian Comedy Classic on the silver screen how it still holds up in the special effects 30 years later.  In fact, it holds up more than later CGI-filled blockbusters.  Hell, I enjoyed Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings movies but the FX always felt too fake to me - I could tell that it was all a computer image programmed by an army of nerds.  The old movie effects to me look real - real physical objects constructed by an army of nerds.

Also, I like the fact that cinematography in Ghostbusters isn't ADD like modern blockbusters.  It doesn't feel as self-consciously slick as modern blockbusters either (although the decade it was made in was responsible for starting that trend).

Another artifact from this decade: everyone smokes!

Well, it's in theatres until Thursday.  Then you'll probably have to wait another 20 or 30 years for it to hit the cineplexes again - assuming we are still watching movies by then.

And hopefully not in 3-D,
although this would make for a *wicked* 3-D shot.

I Like To Play With Things Awhile Before Annihilation

Today for the 4th Of July I want to review one of the most patriotic, pro-American films I have ever seen... a film that makes me proud to be an American... a film produced by Italians and directed by and starring a bunch of Brits (and a Swede).

1980

Director: Mike Hodges

I am not joking.

Flash Gordon is not only a cinematic masterpiece, it is one of the most pro-American foreign movies I have ever seen.  Seriously.

This film is not "so-bad-it's-good" - it is unabashedly good.  It accomplishes all it sets out to do, and more.  It is a big-screen comic-come-to-life, a theatrical space opera that provides close to two hours of solid entertainment.  And it has music by Queen!

And freaking Max von "I was in The Seventh Seal" Sydow as the villain.
Oh, along with Las Vegas Doctor Doom on the right there.

But what makes it so patriotically American in addition to so awesome, you ask?  Well, the answer is the character of Flash Gordon himself.


Now, as acted by Sam Jones (who is coincidentally the only American actor in the main cast), Flash is not that great of a character on the surface... a blond football quarterback who's wooden and not the sharpest knife in the drawer (although he does have his moments of cleverness - see the tree ritual scene), he is the sort of character that most viewers would assume is a foreign film's spoof of the All-American Boy.

"Durrr..."  Actually, Dale is kind of blank, too.

He doesn't defeat Ming the Merciless in a sword battle, doesn't personally lead an army in a climatic battle or come up with a scientific solution to save the Earth - in fact, in the end the Earth is saved randomly and for almost no reason at all ("You have saved your Earth.  Have a nice day.")... so what makes Flash Gordon a great character and a great American hero?

Simple.  Morals.

Okay, he *does* sort of impale Ming with a rocket ship too....

Flash Gordon and his friends Dale Arden and Dr. Zarkov come to Mongo to save the Earth and find that the planet is completely degenerate morally.  There is a brutal fascistic dictatorship run by a madman - the reason that no one overthrows Ming is that they are too busy squabbling and fighting amongst themselves... a policy that Ming actively encourages in his subjects.  If all of the racial groups of Mongo would just somehow unite, they could overthrow the Emperor.  However, they are as morally degenerate as Ming himself, and lack any real human virtues - indeed, Ming tells his daughter Aura that tears are a "sign of weakness."  There is no real feeling or joy on Mongo, only decadence and violence.

And this.  Yes, this is the type of movie that this is.

But the arrival of Flash (aaaaa-AHHHHHH!) changes that.  He is the first to stand up to Ming and show that he can be defied, if only for a few minutes at least (he is quickly subdued and executed although he does get better).  His defiance is a breath of fresh air, and inspires the people of Mongo to set aside their differences, defy the emperor Ming and rule the planet with truth and justice and the American way.  But they have to get morals first.  And Flash Gordon is the moral enabler.

It's fascinating that the three people that Flash influence are princes (and a princess - cannot forget the princess).

Princess Aura revives Flash after his execution because of her lust for him and is later punished for it, being brutally tortured at the hands of her father's lackeys (and with the approval of daddy himself!).  This makes Aura realize what others have suffered at the hands of her father and gives her a new-found feeling of empathy.  She has to learn this before she becomes queen at the end of the movie.

This also has the side effect of giving the
S&M minded in the audience a major boner.

Prince Barin is jealous and cold towards any that not of his race.  He is taught true compassion when Flash spares him after their fight in the Hawkmen's city.  Barin has to learn that true compassion is not felt just towards your friends but your enemies.  This makes it possible for him to become the rightful ruler at the end.

This *also* has the side effect of giving the S&M...
wait, come to think of it this movie definitely has a very kinky vibe to it.

Prince Vultan for all his blustering and shouting is actually a coward.  He hates Ming but is too frightened to rise against him.  Flash's tenacity ("Gordon's ALIVE?") and courage spur Vultan into finally taking the plunge ("diiiiiiive!") and uniting with Flash and the others to overthrow the tyrant of Mongo.  He is rewarded at the end by being named General of the Armies.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"

Flash is an unwavering moral force (Ming outright tells him that he has never seen his like before... right before offering to rule together with Flash.  Flash naturally refuses).  His effect on the moral characters of others is what really drives the film thematically - their redemption and the ultimate redemption of their world is what Flash Gordon is really all about.  See, the song during the titles isn't just hyperbole:  Flash IS the savior of the universe, he IS a miracle, he IS king of the impossible and he WILL save every one of us.  Queen laid it all out right at the start of the movie.  Wasn't that nice of them?

So to sum up: A blond "All-American" football player, travels to a foreign place in the throes of a brutal fascist dictatorship and inspires the people through his moral leadership and defiance of the ruling regime to unite and rise up against that regime and in the process saves his own home.  Sounds like American propaganda to me!  Also sounds like the British and Italians deep down really, really like us.

Also, they like phallic rockets - GOD, this movie is really kinky, innit?

Yes, I just overanalyzed Flash Gordon.

You're welcome.

Happy Fourth.

The Motion Never Stops

Before I get to my special theme for this month which I'll post in a couple of days, I just wanted to take a quick opportunity to note the passing of Ray Harryhausen, special effects pioneer extraordinaire.

It's a shame we don't have visualists like him around anymore - I have never really liked CGI, I think that 99% of the time that computer graphics will never look as good as a real physical object... even if the computer image is excellent and the physical object is kinda cheesy.  I just don't think that we can make CG that looks real yet.  And I realize when I say this that computer programming and graphics are hard work, but I just don't think that the FX of today can stand up just because it's too *easy*... a director and an effects supervisor can just sit down at a computer and bash out what they want with none of the painstaking labor and craftsmanship that used to be put into movie visuals... by people like Mr. Harryhausen.

His movies occupy a special place in my collection.  I have always enjoyed fantasy and science fiction films (no!) and I remember watching some of Harryhausen's movies like Jason and the Argonauts whenever they would come on TV.  His fantasy movie collection also happens to be one of the oldest DVD boxsets that I own, having got it as a gift close to ten years ago now.  I have had ample to time to enjoy the fruits of his labors, again and again and again and again.

And in this age of home video thankfully everyone can.  So here's to you Mr. Ray Harryhausen.  I would say I hope you go to heaven if there is one, but I don't think they have any cool monsters there.

Ahh! It's Ishiro Honda!

Today marks the 20th Anniversary of the death of director Ishiro Honda.  It's a sobering thought if you sit back and think about it – twenty years without the father of the Japanese Giant Monster Movie.  Objectively I can say (like most people) that Akira Kurosawa was the greatest Japanese film director of all time (in fact, he was probably the best director ever, period) but if I had to be completely honest with myself I would have to say that after quite a bit of reflection that Honda is my favorite Japanese film director of all time... his movies have resonated with me ever since I was a kid and have been responsible for more joy in my life than any of his countrymen, talented as they are.  Today I thought I would just share why I like Honda's movies so much and why you should check them out too.

Of course Ishiro Honda will always be remembered primarily for unleashing on the world that atomic behemoth, the radioactive flame-shooting grey dinosaur Godzilla.  For this alone he deserves to remembered more than he is... especially since the first Godzilla film – which was released in 1954, not even a decade after the dropping of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki – is such a serious movie.  There is nothing conditional as to why this should be included in "All-Time-Greatest" lists ("Well, you know, it's cheesy but it's *fun*, man" or "Yeah, the story is crap but the special effects are revolutionary!").  This is just a great film, period, and the reason that it is so great is because the story really isn't about Godzilla per se but about the effect that he has on society and everyday people, and the ramifications of trying to destroy such a threat to society and what methods are acceptable in doing so.  The movie does it with great atmosphere, too.  Everything feels so deadly and somber... there is none of the lightheartedness that permeates the later Godzilla movies (and indeed later kaiju films in general) – here Godzilla is a terrifying, primordial force of destruction and anguish.   Is it perfect?  No, of course not.  Some of the acting later on in the film can be a little overwrought and some of the film comes off as a little crude (it's a Japanese film made in the early fifties).  But by the end of the whole thing you will feel like you have seen something special.

It's a testament to Honda's film craft that he could go from this somber type of film to more light fare, especially in the same film series.  While the first Godzilla movie is deadly serious the ones that followed ended up becoming more geared towards children, but that didn't mean that the quality necessarily went down (at least until the seventies under different directors).  Honda managed to keep things entertaining and well-made for the next decade is a testament to his talent (okay, King Kong vs Godzilla wasn't that great but that's mainly because he let things get a little too silly with that shoddy gorilla suit... ugh).  Mothra vs Godzilla is the highlight of the Sixties Godzilla movies, with the big G still being the bad guy and the story going into fantasy territory with the giant lepidopteran and her twin singing fairies (introduced previously in their own movie, directed by... you guessed it) taking up a good chunk of the run-time.  The best Godzilla film of the Seventies, Terror of Mechagodzilla, was also directed by Honda, and while featuring the star mutant lizard as the hero brought back some of the seriousness of the early days while still being a fun movie.  I recommend both movies in addition to the first highly.

But really I can recommend any Ishiro Honda movie, especially if you have children or just want to relive a little part of your childhood yourself.  In addition to his monster movies (he also gave us Rodan) Honda also made general fantasy and adventure films, like Atragon which is about a flying sub that battles the ancient undersea kingdom of Mu.  That's the kind of movie they need more of these days, especially movies aimed at kids - less product placement and overloading of the senses, and more good, old fashioned adventure.

But the final praise that I think I can give the main is that he was capable of more than just harmless fun – he knew how to put real drama on the screen, and he didn't always need a giant black & white reptile to do it.  I mentioned the horror movie Matango in my first Halloween post a while back, and it is still one of the masterpieces of the genre... not because of the titular mushroom monstrosities but because of the effect that the mushroom monstrosities have on the people in the story... and more importantly the effect that those people have on themselves.  Matango is Honda's most adult film – there are undercurrents of power, hate, lust and primal savagery right beneath the exteriors of all of these island castaways... if the fungal menace didn't start getting them they would kill each other.  It really is Gilligan's Island in Hell... or to say Gilligan's Island in Real Life (Hell, Matango came first... Toho could've sued).

The point is that Ishiro Honda was perhaps the most versatile Japanese director of all... he could do just about anything, from serious drama (his first movies before he did Gojira were simple dramas) to action to horror to science fiction to pure fantasy.  It's no wonder Kurosawa had him as his assistant on Kagemusha and Ran.

So here's to you, Mr. Honda.  Hopefully there are still a lot of people who remember you and cherish your contribution to the moving picture, from children who delight in your fantasies to adults who value your dark drama to the children in all adults who just enjoy a good movie and a little fun.

Woot

I turn 30 today. I am still stuck in a dead end retail job. My life is definitely still not where I want it to be. I have worked to try to change that but I haven’t had much luck. Well, at least I still have this blog, right? Well, yes and no. You see, I am usually so mentally drained at the end of my work shift every day that I can’t summon enough energy to think, let alone make a coherent blog post. I’m not going to bitch about my life for the rest of this blog post however, I’m gonna talk about movies. ‘Cause that’s what this blog was set up for.

So what am I gonna do for my birthday blog post? Well, at first I thought I might review a movie that came out the same day that I did – April 30th, 1982 (my birthday was on a Friday). But the only film I could find was a crappy comedy movie starring John Hurt called Partners. However, not only is this movie considered an execrable piece of garbage (not even in the good MST3K kind of way) by most who have viewed it, it’s not available on DVD and is really hard to find even on VHS. So I nixed that idea.

 Then I thought I could do a movie comparison between two cop movies that I saw for the first time recently – Dirty Harry (1971) and Beverly Hills Cop (1984). You, know, compare/contrast, analysis, talk about which one I liked better (Dirty Harry)… the usual. But you know what? I realized something while watching both. On the surface, Dirty Harry is a more realistic gritty thriller while Beverly Hills Cop is a less realistic comedy/action movie.

Although I do see how it may be difficult to see a difference.

But at their core, these two movies are the same – they are both fantasy films. Fantasy films do not have to involve magic or the supernatural or even anything recognizably “fantastic.” They are exactly what their title suggests – a fantasy being played out on the screen for the benefit of the audience. James Bond movies are fantasy movies because the males in the audience get to watch their fantasies being reenacted – fast cars, scantily clad babes with ridiculous names, fighting sharks, or what have you (personally, I have always had this weird desire to fight a huge Asian man with a killer steel-rimmed hat). Romantic Comedies are almost tailor-made for the female audience members. And Harry and BHC are also fantasy movies – they are Cop Fantasy Movies.


Dirty Harry may seem more “gritty” and “realistic” on the surface, what with all of the brutal violence and a sadistic serial killer and whatnought, but there are still shootouts! And Harry gets to jump onto a bus from a bridge! And give snappy one-liners!

"Freeze or I'll shoot you!  No... not cool enough.  Okay, how about...."

You see, if they made a movie about what it’s really like to track down a serial killer, it would probably be too boring for a general audience – it would probably resemble a "Frontline" documentary. Too much investigative work, too much questioning followed by a brief shootout and apprehension. So this Clint Eastwood movie is really a (mostly right-wing) fantasy for all of the male audience members who want to gun down psychopathic killers and play cowboy cop. Now that’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy the film (I did) or that there is some real drama (the whole fair process/criminal’s rights thing that could have been expanded on). It’s just at the end of the day I have to call a spade and spade and recognize this movie for what it is.

Which is a charming movie about a  heartwarming school field trip.

Beverly Hills Cop is much more blatant. In American cinema by 1984 all of the relative subtlety and nuance of the seventies had been replaced with over-the-top and completely nonrealistic antics. Look, I know that BHC is supposed to be comedy, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be a cartoon. The police chief YELLS at Axel (yelling in cop movies always makes it more DRAMATIC!)! Axel is THROWN through a window!

Thown through modern Plexiglass... that's a good trick!

Axel SMASHES UP a rich-person buffet! And gets away with it! It’s all very cartoony and very unrealistic. Any police officer acting like Eddie Murphy does in this movie would be an ex-police officer after about 3 seconds. Being a comedy is no excuse… there are police comedies that are funny while having their characters not be completely and unrealistically “maverick” – the Rowan Atkinson TV show “The Thin Blue Line” comes to mind.

And you know what else I realized? Almost ALL movies are fantasy films of some sort. Very few are focused on real drama. I figure it this way – if you are watching a movie and are attaining some form of wish fulfillment then what you are watching is a fantasy. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t think that every film needs to be a heavy drama, or a straight-up comedy. It’s just that I think people need to be more honest and accurate with their labels. For example, I am probably going to see The Avengers when it comes out, and I have no illusions about what it is. It is a fantasy film.

Oh, and the verdict on Dirty Harry and Beverly Hills Cop? I liked Dirty Harry although I thought it could have used some more ideological balance. It does pose some interesting questions about law enforcement and civil rights although (like I said) the emphasis is more on Harry’s attempts to catch the obviously EEEEVIL Scorpio. Beverly Hills Cop is two shades shy of a cartoon (like most Hollywood movies of the Eighties)

I.e., any movie where it's this obvious who the villain is.

but it’s not even that good, or even that funny. If you want a funny Eddie Murphy movie get Trading Places or Coming to America, or even Shrek.




P.S. I see that Google has "updated" Blogger - I guess now I really *do* have to post more....

Der Ring's Die Thing - A Quick Thought

I know that it's been a month since my last post, but my next review (the one I promised last time) has been taking a while, for two reasons:  the first is that the next review is for a TV show and it's been taking a long time to watch episodes, grab screenshots, etc.  The other reason is that I got a copy of Richard Wagner's monumental music drama Der Ring des Nibelungen two weeks ago and listened through that, and that took a while.  Listening to that opera cycle actually got me to thinking, too.  Why hasn't Hollywood made a movie version of the Ring Cycle?  I know, I know, it's opera, but it has everything a modern movie audience could want out of a fantasy epic:  action, romance, magic rings, swords, dwarves, dragons, betrayal, gods, fate and death.  What more could you want?  Audiences seemed to love Lord of the Rings, and that was really long so I don't think length would dissuade anybody.  And I think people could get used to the fact that everyone's singing all the time... they could just think of it as a massive, fourteen hour long music video.  With epic fantasy.  And incest.  Epic fantasy incest.  Whatever.  It was common in Greek Mythology and Ancient Egypt, so it's not like people haven't encountered the concept before.  Anyways, I think it would do rather well.  And it going to see it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than going to see it at the opera house.

Well, anyways, there's my quick thought.  As I promised, I will be back next week with a positive review.

What will it be?

Well, you'll just have to wait and find out.


Thptttttttttt.

Late Work Can Be A Bitch

More catch-up, more mini-reviews, more anime.

Dreamy, but needs to learn to keep his hands to himself.

Vision of Escaflowne (TV Series, 1996) High School Student (it’s an occupation in Japan!) Hitomi is transported one day to the mystical land of Gaia, where she finds herself caught in a fight between Lord Van, the ruler of a small kingdom and the mighty Zaibach Empire, which is hunting her for her emerging psychic powers as well as planning to conquer the world and find the Secret of Atlantis.  Will Hitomi be able to elude the grasp of Zaibach?  Will she be able to help the inhabitants of Gaia find peace and prosperity?  Will she ever be able to go home again?  But most importantly, will she ever be able to choose between the cute but troubled Van and the dreamy (but also troubled) knight Allen Schezar?

Escaflowne is a very good fantasy show.  It moves quickly (no filler), has complex characters and it has good action and an intriguing story.  Watching this I was hooked, and watched multiple episodes in a row to see what happened next.  However, I can’t call it one of the absolute best anime shows ever, because there’s… something… missing.  I can’t quite put my finger on it.  Maybe for me it was missing the sense of life that the best of anime seems to have.  I don’t know.  I do know that it’s not that original.  “Japanese Schoolgirl Falls Into A Fantasy World Where She Is Special And Gets To Meet Cute Men” had been done before lots of times (it was a popular theme in the 90s); Escaflowne just merged that storyline with !GIANT ROBOTS!  And in fact, this show wasn’t even the first medieval-fantasy show with !GIANT ROBOTS!... that would be Aura Battler Dunbine, from 1983 – although admittedly Escaflowne is the superior show.

Sorry, Cham.

Escaflowne: The Movie (Film, 2000) A visually spectacular reimagining of the TV show; the story is completely different as are the characters (Princess Millerna is now a badass redhead, for example).  Only the basic setup remains the same.  And this is not a bad thing.  You could not tell the story of the original 26 episode TV show in one theatrical film.  Many fans do not like this movie.  I kind of liked it – it’s interesting to watch because it is so different from the original show.  Plus I liked the darker look and the different character designs (no pointy noses).  

If they start stripping I'm calling the Tank Police.

The only thing that keeps it from being a really good movie is that it’s too damn *short*.  This thing needed to be 2½ hours minimum to fit in all of the storyline and character development.  As it is it’s way too short and feels really rushed.  There’s some great art and animation though so I still recommend it to fans of the show or even anyone who is unfamiliar with the TV series – since the story is so different you don’t really need to know anything about Escaflowne going in.

Adolescence of Utena (Film, 1999) I’m not going to even try to describe the story of this one here, because I’m not sure that it’s even possible.  Suffice to say that it involves sword duels, weird architecture, odd imagery, strange private-school marriage rituals as well as more lesbianism and sexual symbolism than you can shake a stick at.

Or sword.

In fact the whole thing is basically a big metaphor for teen maturation as well as gay liberation.  And these are just two interpretations – part of the fun of this movie is just trying to figure out what it's all about.  The other fun part about Utena is that it’s so creative and different from everything else.  And the artwork and animation for this movie are nothing short of *spectacular*.  Seriously, check it out:

And the weirdest part is that this artsy piece of shojo cinema is brought to you by Kunihiko Ikuhara, the same dude who directed the majority of Sailor Moon.  So the guy who gave you this

Also did this

Anyway, this movie is gorgeous, wildly creative and will actually make you think.  As in, “What the Hell did I just watch?!”  Highly recommended.

Steamboy (Film, 2004) Remember when I said in my New Dominion Tank Police review that if I ever saw another Evil-Murdering-Weapons-Manufacturing-Corporation-Who-Tests-Their-Weapons-By-Making-War-On-An-Industrialized-First-World-Nation in anime again I was going to scream?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Five Star Stories (Film, 1989) Again, I’m not going to describe the whole story to this one as it is based on a manga that is more than 10 volumes long (and still running!) and has over 5000 characters (and I just might not be exaggerating).  In a nutshell though it’s about Ladios Sopp, a !GIANT ROBOT! mechanic (or, as this anime calls him, a “Mortar Hedd Meister”) who lands on a planet in the Joker Galaxy to try to free a genetically-engineered-giant-robot-pilot-girl named Lachesis (or not – the whole movie seems to be him being indecisive on this point) from the foul clutches of a fat and greedy planetary governor.

Our hero, Ladios Sopp.  Yes, gentle reader, he is a man. 

I really liked this movie, even if it ran at an incredibly short run time of just over an hour.  I guess director Kazuo Yamazaki just wanted to conserve the budget though because the artwork in this thing is great – very stylish.  The animation is pretty good but nothing to write home about (it’s above average movie animation for the 1980s).  The main thing going for it though is that it has a unique mood.  This is one of the few sci-fi films that truly make you feel that you are in a strange, almost alien future culture (kind of like David Lynch’s adaptation of Dune, really, only not quite as disturbing and freakish).

I definitely recommend it for those that can look past its short running time (A LOT of story is compressed into this) and the fact that it’s from the Eighties.  For the love of God, though, if you get the DVD DON’T LOOK AT THE BOOKLET THAT COMES WITH IT BEFORE WATCHING THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT WILL SPOIL THE ENDING OF THE FILM FOR YOU.



Next Post: Something that is not anime, I promise–

 

Um, Cham, what are you doing?  Okay, Cham, I know you're probably upset over what I said earlier but that's not the way to express your–

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